Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Dirty Little Secrets - Humor PG 1/1

Collapse
X
 
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Dirty Little Secrets - Humor PG 1/1

    I could have sworn I posted this one here but I don't see it. Whoops! Hee!


    Dirty Little Secrets

    Chloe walked into the Talon to find Pete, Clark, and Lex crowded together at the bar with their heads together. Such a conference set off alarm bells because she'd never a) seen the three of them together before, especially given Pete's Luthor animosity and b) they were obviously extremely excited by whatever they were looking at as indicated by the fidgeting and jostling they were doing. Aside from Lana baring her breasts, she couldn't think of what would set them off in such a manner.

    Being a reporter, she had to investigate.

    She came up to the bar and peeked over Pete's shoulder. Much to her surprise (and somewhat disgust) they were crowded around a comic book spread open on the bar.

    "Hi guys,"

    There was a moment of mad scrambling. The comic was whisked closed and vanished beneath Lex's coat. All three of them turned around quickly to face Chloe with matching expressions. They looked as if they'd been caught oogling a Playboy centerfold instead of a comic book. Clark was blushing to beat the band, Pete refused to meet her eye, and even Lex looked a little flushed. Chloe fought off the urge to laugh.

    "What's so interesting?"

    "Nothing."

    "Nuthin'"

    "Not a thing, why?"

    Chloe narrowed her eyes, and much like Principal Kwan when he'd caught one of the football players with a Discman in study hall, she held out her hand palm upward. "Let me see."

    Rather reluctantly the comic was produced.

    Leafing through it, Chloe was less than impressed. The artwork was primitive, coloration looked a little washed out, and what dialogue she read was stilted and - pathetic. She'd hate to know what in the world they called a plot. She raised an eyebrow inquisitively and all three males grinned.

    "Warrior Angel number 547," Lex said promptly.

    Clark's eyes lit up. "With the collectible holographic 'clue' on the back cover."

    "Yeah," Pete added. "If you get all three and solve the mystery you're eligible to get a one-of-a-kind graphic novel exploring the origins of Warrior Angel from his home planet on into his teen years." His voice took on a note of awe. "Signed by the author!"

    Lex and Clark nodded enthusiastically.

    Chloe screwed up her face and said, "Is this a guy thing?"

    "It's a comic thing." Clark explained.

    "Ah. A geek thing."

    Lex reclaimed his comic book, carefully examining it for creases. "It is not. This is a highly respected art form."

    "Reeaaaaaly," Chloe drawled. "And therefore a copy of Warrior Angel exists in the Louvre? Framed and hung right next to the Mona Lisa?"

    Lex's expression was somewhat dangerous. Chloe backed down a little. She shrugged and smiled to indicate she was just kidding.

    "What's your beef with comics, Chloe?" Clark demanded.

    "I don't have a beef with comics. My dad reads comics."

    "Gabe has an extensive collection of Wonder Girl." Lex said. "He's got Wonder Girl number one in mint condition. Do you know how rare that is?"

    Pete seemed impressed. "Whooooaaaah. That's like the world's rarest book!"

    "It is?" Chloe scowled. No wonder her dad kept his comic collection in a wall safe. "Is it worth a lot of money?"

    All three laughed at her naivete.

    "Let's put it this way, Chloe." Lex added. "If you were to put that book up on e-Bay it could probably fetch enough money to pay for your first two quarters at Metropolis University."

    "Really?"

    "Really."

    "Wow," she paused, and crossed her arms. "I'm still not all that impressed though. Comics are for kids, not grown men."

    In all their years of friendship, there had been several times when Chloe could have throttled Pete Ross within inches of his life. One had been when he'd hidden a toad in one of the filing cabinets at the Torch, another had been when he'd goosed her at the Homecoming dance the year before. He came close again now to losing his life.

    "Uh-huh. This coming from someone who still sleeps with Mr. Snerfy Bear."

    "Oh, Chloe," Clark said in a disappointed tone, as if he'd caught her snorting coke or something. "Mr. Snerfy Bear? I thought you put him away!"

    Chloe shuffled her feet, and felt her face getting hot. Damn, Pete anyway. How dare he bring up Mr. Snerfy, especially in front of Lex. "I did, for a while...."

    Yeah, but when I kept having nightmares about being buried alive I got him out again thank you very much.

    Lex raised an eyebrow. "Do we have to stage an intervention here, Chloe? Send you to Teddy Bears anonymous?"

    Pete snickered. Chloe glared at him and in an infantile gesture she regretted later she blurted:

    "Lana collects paper dolls."

    Silence.

    "She keeps them in a suitcase under the bed and they all have names."

    Clark reached up and scratched his nose, perfectly nonplussed. Lex looked like he was going to cry, mainly because he was trying not to laugh. Not so Pete who was giggling like a maniac.

    "And Pete wet the bed until he was ten," Chloe added maliciously.

    Lex lost it, collapsing against the bar holding his stomach, tears trickling down his cheeks. "Oh, holy mother of god...."

    Clark's mouth fell open. Chloe had hit below the belt (literally) by revealing Pete's deepest, darkest, most embarrassing secret ever, a secret Clark had told her quite by accident. He'd found out during a sleepover when they were kids and Pete had to confess.

    Keeping his voice low was a strain for Pete. He turned and gave Clark the darkest, most evil look Chloe had ever seen on his face, including the time he'd nearly shot her.

    "You.Told.CHLOE?!?!"

    "It was an accident, Pete...."

    "Accident!" Lex was wheezing. Chloe wondered if she wasn't going to have to call 911.

    Pete was still rounded on Clark. Clark actually cringed. "How would you like it if I told everybody YOUR secrets."

    Chloe's eyebrows went up, and Lex immediately stopped laughing. Clark straightened to his full height, which was more than a little intimidating.

    "You wouldn't dare!"

    Hmm, Chloe thought. There's a side of Clark you don't see often. He's pissed, which only makes his secrets more intriguing. And just what do you know about Clark, Mr. Ross?

    "Clark ate boogers." Pete spat. "In first grade."

    "I did NOT!" Clark's eyes grew round. "I did no such thing!"

    "Did too, and you didn't know it but Whitney called you Pick-N-Lick behind your back."

    "Okay, that's not what I was expecting," Chloe grimaced. "Ew."

    "Hey, I can vouch for that." Lana said, coming out of her office laden with the ledgers Lex had come to pick up for the accountant to review. "I finally had to ask Whitney who he was talking about."

    "Oh, God." Clark buried his face in his hands. "Somebody kill me."

    "Tried, failed." Lex quipped, taking the ledgers from Lana and leafing through the top one. "Pick-N-Lick," he snorted.

    Clark groaned.

    Lana patted him on the shoulder consolingly. Pete looked smug.

    Chloe shook her head. This situation was deteriorating rapidly and making her feel somewhat queasy. "Okay, so now that we've all aired our dirty laundry, does anyone want to join me in a mocha?"

    "Appointment with my accountant."

    "I promised Mom I'd help her with a painting project."

    Chloe looked at Clark. "Clark?"

    "Oh, sorry. No. I'm going to go chuck all my wordly possessions and become a hermit, never to show my face in public again."

    "Serves you right," Pete grumped.

    "Well that just leaves us girls then." Chloe turned her attention to Lana.

    "Sure, I'm due for a break."

    "Maybe you should tell her you gabbed about the paperdolls, Chloe." Lex said quietly.

    There was a long moment of silence as Lana turned to Chloe with her mouth open.
    "Chloe! You told them about my dolls?!"

    "Well, Pete brought up Snerfy Bear and...."

    "Aaaaugh!" Lana vanished back into her office and slammed the door.

    "Nice one, Chloe."

    "Shut-up, Pick-N-Lick."

    ******

    A few weeks later Chloe came into the Talon and found Clark, Lex and Pete reading Warrior Angel number 548. They all looked over their shoulders at her and then closed their ranks.

    Chloe sidled up to the bar at the opposite end and Lana joined her. They had forgiven and forgotten, and then motored to Metropolis where they scoured antique markets for vintage paper dolls to add to Lana's collection. Chloe found a beautiful Victorian set and bought it for her. Lana in turn found a cunning little knit sweater for Mr. Snerfy Bear which she presented to Chloe. The fellows were less forgiving.

    "It's not my fault," Chloe grumbled. "I don't know why they're all mad at me. Clark's the one who blabbed about Pete's bed wetting."

    "That's something you don't hear often, Clark being blabby." Lana chuckled. "So eating boogers as a kid is his deepest darkest secret, huh?"

    Chloe narrowed her eyes and looked down the bar. Clark's dark head towered over those of his companions. "You know, somehow I don't think that's it."

    Lana sighed. "Yeah, I could have lived with that one. Not sure about the other one."

    "The BIG one," Chloe nodded.

    "What do you suppose it is?"

    Chloe had her theories, but she was not necessarily inclined to share them with Lana. Instead she ordered a coffee and put on her most innocent grin.

    "Chronic flatulence."

    ~~FIN~~

  • #2
    Oh......My.......God.....Must......Remember......T o.....Breathe........

    And not drink while I'm reading one of your fics!!!!!!! I was nearly crying!!!!!! And then the last line!!!!!!!!!

    Comment


    • #3
      Bwah! That was hilarious, reminds me of the Friends episode, the Space Mountain one!

      Snerfy bear, Pick 'N Lick, bed wetting..............brilliant, I tell u brilliant! Comedy gold!!!

      How do u do it , Paper?! This is a great story

      Comment


      • #4
        PICK-N-LICK!!! BAH HAHAHAHAHA! Tat was bloody hilarious! Oi!

        Comment


        • #5
          Oh Ow!! I'm laughing so hard it hurts! I have tears streaming down my face! LOL And as soon as I saw the word humor by this fic title I knew to put my vanilla coke down and not pick it back up til I was done reading! HA! Oh that was too freaking funny!! I loved it!!


          Suz

          Comment


          • #6
            *!BANG!*



            (dies)

            Comment


            • #7
              ha pick-n-lick. thats great!!!!!!!!!!!

              Comment


              • #8
                LOL that was hilarious!!!

                Comment


                • #9
                  LOL! My math teacher is right behind me so I'm trying desperately not to crack up. Fabulous!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Okay, I understand this is over a year old, but I read it. Laughed my butt off and thought I'd bring it to the front page so others could enjoy!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Funny fic.

                      Great job as always.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        That was hilarious!!!!!! Loved everything about it!!!! My gosh! So funny!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          LOL I wanted to hear Lex's big secret like I heard pick-n-lick one( ) but I guess no one no's LEx that well to know if he still sleeps with a teddy bear ( )

                          I didn't even check how how this was I thought it was new

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            lol that was funny!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Wow. Um...tears from laughter here. This was totally off the wall funny! I like the teddy bear one. That's cute

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X
                              😀
                              🥰
                              🤢
                              😎
                              😡
                              👍
                              👎