Sometimes I Think About Dying PG

[phoenixnz]

Author: Phoenixnz
Title: Sometimes I Think About Dying
Rating: PG (for theme)
Characters: Clark, Lex
Genre: Angst, H/C

Summary: Clark thinks about dying. Season 2: Fever


Sometimes I think about dying. I wonder how my parents would feel if I was suddenly not there anymore. Would their lives be better for not having to keep secrets, or would the farm suffer because I wasn’t there to keep it running.

I sometimes wonder if maybe they would have been better off if they’d never found me. I brought so many complications to their lives. The secrets they had to keep from other people. I don’t remember what it was like when I first went to live with them, but I know people used to stare when we went into town. They were curious about the mysterious child who suddenly turned up in the Kent household. No one knew Martha and Jonathan Kent were thinking of adopting, they would say.

I think maybe I’m a jinx for them. God knows, having an alien child must have been difficult for them. My mom often talks about the years when I wasn’t so careful with my strength. Let’s just say that there were a lot of dead animals because I didn’t know how to control myself. I still get nightmares about that sometimes.

I certainly cost more to keep than an animal. I eat more than the average teenager, or so I gather. I make up for it, I suppose, since they don’t have to hire other hands to keep the farm going, but still ... When I was thirteen, I was a skinny, scrawny kid but I shot up several inches that year and filled out. My mother was forever having to buy new shirts as I tore the old ones when they got too tight. Yeah, I’m expensive to keep.

If I died, would they save money?

I think about Lana, with her obsession with her dead parents. I remember her telling me about the dreams she used to have where her parents would show up at school. That they weren’t dead, just really late. She misses them, even though they’re probably only a distant memory. She doesn’t visit their graves much anymore. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Would she visit mine if I was gone?

I think about Chloe. Part of me, deep down, knows she feels something for me, but I don’t think it’s love. At least, not the romantic kind of love. I think in a lot of ways she sees me as the brother she never had. She envies me the two parents together, even if they’re not my birth parents, because her own aren’t together. It must hurt to think that her mother didn’t want her.

I used to feel that way about my birth parents, until I knew the truth. They sent me away to save me, but I still have to wonder why they didn’t try to save themselves as well. Or maybe they did. Maybe there was another ship that day and maybe that ship landed somewhere else in Smallville, or maybe not even in Smallville. If that was true, why didn’t they come looking for me?

But back to Chloe. Yeah, she has a crush on me, but I think it’s one born of loneliness. Sometimes it’s possible to be the most popular person around yet still feel as if you’re alone. I mean, Chloe’s outgoing and she’s bold as brass sometimes, but I get the impression she’s kind of lonely. She doesn’t date, not since the one guy she did date turned out to be a psycho and tried to kill her. We won’t go there with the dance that ended in disaster – literally.

Would Chloe miss me if I was dead? Or would she just find another sidekick?

Then there’s Pete. I know it’s a burden for him, knowing my secret. Ryan said as much. God, I miss that kid. I hate knowing that even with all my abilities, I couldn’t save him. I’m digressing, I know. Pete. I know it stresses him out. There was that time when he was infected with the parasite. He seemed so free of the burdens. Of course, he was blurting out my secret all over the place. So stupid. I wish I’d never told him. Never had to tell him.

Pete would miss me. I mean, we’ve been friends since we played in the sandbox together as toddlers. He just won’t miss the stress of keeping my secret.

Last, but definitely not least is Lex. I know he thinks I don’t trust him. I’m sure he knows part of my secret but doesn’t want to wait for me to tell him. The thing is, how can I tell him? How can I burden him with this, knowing what his father is like? I don’t want Lex to get hurt. That’s the whole point. I’m afraid he will get hurt if he knows, because I’m sure that Lionel won’t let it lie. He’ll find out somehow that Lex knows my secret and he’ll use Lex to hurt me. That man doesn’t care about friendship. He thinks things like that are a weakness.

There’s one other secret that Lex doesn’t know, and I will never tell him. Maybe he suspects, but it’s not like it’s something that is easily revealed. I think Chloe knows, but then, she’s seen the looks I’ve sent his way when he’s come into the Talon. He doesn’t feel the same way. He loves me as a brother.

Lex is the one person I would miss and the one person I regret not telling the truth to. At least without me around, he might not get so many knocks on the head, haha. Seriously, he would be better off without me.

The only thing I would regret about dying is he would be alone. Lex is probably the only person who could ever understand how lonely it is to be so unlike everyone else.

Lex closed the notebook, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.

“You’re wrong, Clark,” he thought of the young man just a few yards away, his body hot with fever from exposure to the spores from meteor rock, crumbled into dust. “About so many things.”

He left the barn. Jonathan Kent didn’t know he was there and he’d parked his car a short distance away, not wanting the older man to hear the engine. He’d heard Clark was sick from Helen, the woman he’d settled for thinking he could never have the person he really wanted.

He glanced toward the house, torn between going to his friend and trying to ease his pain, both emotionally and physically, and going to find a cure for the illness that was killing the only person, beside his mother and Pamela, that he’d ever loved. Common sense won out.

He left as quietly as he’d come.

[gem65]

Sometimes I think about dying. I wonder how my parents would feel if I was suddenly not there anymore.

I think that at some point in our lives we think about this. We wonder if we make a difference in the world. I know I do at times, but lately it's been on my mind a lot more.

Sometimes it’s possible to be the most popular person around yet still feel as if you’re alone. I mean, Chloe’s outgoing and she’s bold as brass sometimes, but I get the impression she’s kind of lonely. She doesn’t date, not since the one guy she did date turned out to be a psycho and tried to kill her.

I've never even been close to being the most popular one but I do understand the feeling alone part. I would be in a room full of people that I know yet feel as if I don't belong. So yeah, I understand the loneliness.

The only thing I would regret about dying is he would be alone. Lex is probably the only person who could ever understand how lonely it is to be so unlike everyone else.

Once again you've managed to pull on the heartstrings and write such a wonderful yet angst-filled story. *hugs*

PS: Are you okay?

[phoenixnz]

I think that at some point in our lives we think about this. We wonder if we make a difference in the world. I know I do at times, but lately it's been on my mind a lot more.

It's something we all think about. I know I do.

I've never even been close to being the most popular one but I do understand the feeling alone part. I would be in a room full of people that I know yet feel as if I don't belong. So yeah, I understand the loneliness.

God, yes.

Once again you've managed to pull on the heartstrings and write such a wonderful yet angst-filled story. *hugs*

PS: Are you okay?

Thanks hon, and I guess you've realised just what kind of mood I've been in. I've certainly been riding the roller-coaster of moods this week. I will tell you about some of it later.

[gem65]

Thanks hon, and I guess you've realised just what kind of mood I've been in. I've certainly been riding the roller-coaster of moods this week. I will tell you about some of it later.

Based on the subject matter, yeah I kind of figured that something was up.

Here's a little something for you. *hugs*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ihg9X6airg

[tua33915]

Why must you make me cry? I need a hug. 😢

[phoenixnz]

Why must you make me cry? I need a hug. 

Oops, sorry about that chief.

I wrote a sequel to this story which takes place ten years later. I thought I'd posted it here. I might add it later on.

[phoenixnz]

Saving Superman - Sequel

Summary: Lex decides it's time for an intervention.

a/n: I wrote this more than a year ago and I don't think I posted it as a separate story here.

Lex settled in his chair, ready to start his work day. The rest of the building was more or less empty, apart from security. He always started work at seven and never left until well past nine. There didn’t seem to be any point.


His assistant, Muriel, a motherly woman who had never had children of her own, would often cluck at him in disapproval when she found him already hard at work at eight and would do the same again at six when she left for the day.

Few people understood just how hard he worked. He’d heard the gossip on the rare occasions he’d actually attended various functions, all in the name of LexCorp, of course. Most thought he was a rich kid getting his kicks, disappearing off to exotic locations to lounge in the sun and spend his money, rather than doing any actual business. He suppose they, like so many others of his set, would sooner fritter away their money than do some real work.

Some claimed he’d won his position as CEO in some screwed-up form of nepotism. Only his employees, those who actually saw him at work, knew better.


Lex didn’t date. He hadn’t been out on a single outing with a woman, or man for that matter, since Helen Bryce. He’d almost married the small town doctor, until he’d begun to wonder if the only reason she’d agreed to marry him was for his money.

Lionel had dropped dead suddenly of a suspected heart attack just weeks before the wedding and while an autopsy had confirmed the diagnosis, Lex had always felt a nagging suspicion that the death wasn’t exactly as natural as they thought. Helen, being a doctor, could have done something. Especially if Lionel had stood in the way of her gaining Lex’s money.

The one person he would have shared his suspicions with had been out of reach. Clark Kent had been his best friend for over a year. Until he had become sick after exposure to spores irradiated from meteor rock. Once he was well, it seemed like he’d dropped Lex’s friendship like it was yesterday’s news. There was nothing Lex could point to that was the defining moment. No fight, not even a minor quarrel. Clark just stopped calling and stopped coming around.

Lex had left Smallville less than a month after his father’s death, moving to Metropolis to take over Luthorcorp’s holdings, re-christening it LexCorp. He hadn’t spoken to the Kents in ten years.

He sighed and opened up his laptop, wondering why he’d suddenly decided to take a trip down memory lane. Of course, it had nothing whatsoever to do with the appearance of Superman at a recent charity benefit where dates with eligible bachelors had been auctioned off. Lex’s public relations consultant had told him to go as it was good PR and he’d ended up on a date with an elderly dowager who smelled of gardenias. Superman had turned up a short time later, looking through Lex as if he didn’t know him. Given what Lex knew about Clark’s abilities, he might very well have been looking through him.

Muriel came in, carrying a tray of freshly brewed coffee and buttered croissants. Lex’s mouth watered. She always seemed to know the best bakery to get the most authentic croissants he’d ever tasted. He watched as she placed the tray on the smoked glass coffee table.

He glanced at the clock on his laptop. It was only seven fifteen.

“You’re here early,” he said.

She frowned at him. “Don’t you ever look at your day planner?” she asked.

“That’s what I have you for,” he said, trying for a disarming smile.

She shook her head and clucked at him.

“You have a breakfast meeting. And don’t try and get out of it, young man.”

He cocked an eyebrow at her. “Meeting? With whom?”

“Me.”

Lex stared at the woman in the doorway. Martha Kent’s once glorious red hair was faded and greying. The years had not been kind to the former farmer’s wife. Worry lines etched her face and she seemed like she had aged twenty years, not ten.

“Mrs Kent.”

Muriel went out, nodding at the other woman, closing the door, indicating she was giving them some privacy.

“It’s been a long time, Lex,” she said softly, her eyes lighting up briefly in a smile.

“Yes it has,” he said unnecessarily. “Why are you here?”

She sat down in the chair and helped herself to a croissant.

“I saw you at the charity auction last week. I knew if anyone could help me, you could.”

“Help you?” he asked, going to sit opposite her and pouring himself a cup of coffee. “To do what?”

“Save Clark.”

He really should not have taken a sip of his drink, he thought belatedly as he choked.

“Save ... Clark?”

She nodded.

“I know you know about him.”

Lex considered this for a few seconds. “And what exactly would I know?” he asked slowly.

She glanced around, making it look casual, having clearly seen the camera in the corner above the door. It was the only camera in the room. Lex had never liked the idea of someone watching him from behind. Martha Kent turned her body just enough so anyone watching the security tapes wouldn’t see the symbol she drew on her chest with her finger.

It was an ‘S’.

“Surely Clark is perfectly capable of taking care of himself,” he said reasonably.

“Oh, he’s not in any physical danger,” she assured him. “But emotionally ... that’s another matter.”

“I’m afraid I can’t help you, Mrs Kent. Perhaps you should seek the help of a qualified psychiatrist.”

“A psychiatrist can’t do for him what you can, Lex. I know you were in love with him. In many ways, I think you still are, although you have buried it down deep. Just as I know you’ve kept an eye on him all these years.”

“Mrs Kent, I ...”

It was on his lips to protest, to deny, but her shrewd gaze missed nothing.

“He loved you too, Lex. He was just too afraid to admit it.”

Lex shook his head. “You’re wrong. Why would he throw away our friendship if he ...”

“It wasn’t just you, Lex. He withdrew from everyone. Pete, Chloe. Even Lana. Jonathan and I were at our wits’ end trying to understand why, but it just seemed like he gave up on himself. Decided he would rather be alone. It felt like he was just going through the motions.”

Lex frowned. It all seemed very familiar. Once Superman had appeared on the scene, there had been the fair share of detractors. Those who would rather see Superman as a threat than see him as trying to do good. At first, Lex had wondered at his former friend’s intentions. After every rescue, he just seemed so aloof, almost cold even. Never stopping long enough for accolades.

Of course, after it had all come out that he was an alien from Krypton, people claimed the aloofness was just because he wasn’t human and had no experience of humanity. No one seemed to realise that Clark Kent and Superman were one and the same. Not even Lois Lane, who was Clark’s ‘partner-in-crime’ at the Daily Planet, had caught on to Clark’s disguise.

“I can see you understand,” Martha said. “Lex, I’ve watched you over the years. I admit, Jonathan had his concerns, but toward the end even he admitted that you were not like your father. Yes, you can be ruthless in business, but you have never done anything illegal.”

“That you know of,” he told her.

She shook her head.

“The young man I met in Smallville believed in doing the right thing, even if the execution wasn’t always completely ethical. Lex, you’re the only one who can reach him.”

“Why now?”

She sighed. “You’re right. Ten years is a long time to stand back and allow someone to continue hurting themselves without trying to do something about it. The truth is, I never could understand the reason why. Not until I found these.”

She took a small pile of notebooks from her bag and placed them on the coffee table. Lex recognised one of them. A journal he had found ten years earlier in which Clark had confessed many things. His alien heritage being one of them.

“I don’t know what you want me to do,” he said.

“At least promise me you’ll read them and think about what I’ve said. You are the only one who can reach him now, Lex. Please, save my son.”

Lex tried to go back to work after she left, but the journals sat on the table, tempting him. He finally gave up, picking up one of the books and flicking through them.

Muriel came in to tell him she was leaving for the night. He stared at her, glancing at the clock. It was six-thirty and he’d been reading the entire day.

“Good night,” was all she said.

Lex blinked and returned to the reading. Every early entry spoke of Clark’s pain. Of his self-hatred. He blamed himself for the meteor shower. For the deaths of Lana’s parents, for the meteor freaks and for the spores which almost killed his mother. He was full of bitter vitriol against himself for his differences.

Lex was stunned to read that Clark had once tried to kill himself with meteor rock, which he called Kryptonite, by crushing it to powder and adding it to a glass of his father’s bourbon. Lex had been surprised that Jonathan even had spirits in the house, since he seemed so disapproving of Lex and his drinking habits. Clark had described immediately throwing up the liquid, which had burned like acid in his stomach. He’d never tried it again.

As he continued to read, he learned that Clark had decided to pull away from everyone, afraid that if they knew what he was they would never look at him the same way again. Even those he loved. He had been afraid not only of his feelings, but of being rejected. He’d wondered time and time again why people were his friends, especially since he was considered the school loser. That usually made his friends losers by association.

The crux of it all was Clark was tired. Tired of the lies. Tired of trying to be something he wasn’t. He had only ever wanted to be normal and now knew he would never be. He was weary of trying to fit in when that was never going to be possible.

So he had made the decision to pull away. Not to protect himself, but to protect his friends and his loved ones from causing them more pain. He had closed himself off.

He’d become Superman because it was the only way he could ever hope to make up for what the meteor shower had done to Smallville.

For the first time in ten years, Lex’s face was wet with tears. He hadn’t cried when his father died but he was sobbing now. He’d only seen the tip of the iceberg of Clark’s pain when he’d read the first journal all those years ago.

Lex made his own decision. He would save Clark or die trying because Clark deserved to know that he was loved in spite of his self-perceived faults.

He spent the next few days coming up with a plan to get Clark to come to him. His first idea was to invite Clark to an exclusive interview. Lois Lane turned up instead saying that Clark had called in sick. Scratch Plan A.

Plan B was to get pretend to be kidnapped and get Superman to come to his rescue. However, as soon as Superman had dispatched the ‘bad guys’ he hadn’t stuck around.

Lex then tried visiting him at the Daily Planet, but Clark saw him coming and disappeared in the other direction, leaving Lane to glower at his retreating back.

Visits to Clark’s tiny apartment, or hovel, as Lex liked to call it, yielded no results either. Nor did a visit to Martha.

“Lex, honey, you’re going about this all wrong,” she said.

“I’ve tried it the simple way and got nothing.”

“Perhaps what you need is to look at this from another angle,” she said.

He frowned at her. “What do you mean?”

“How would your father have handled an enemy?”

“Clark isn’t my enemy.”

“No, but he’s not treating you like a friend either.”

Lex considered the problem as he sat in the study in the penthouse, sipping a glass of scotch. He sat back, his gaze wandering about the room until it fell on a bookshelf. Or one book, in particular. The Art of War. He got up and crossed to the shelf, picking up the volume and flicking through it, then smirked. He knew exactly how to get through to Clark.

Martha laughed at the plan, but agreed to play along. It took a couple of days for Lex to get everything set up, but by the end of those two days he decided the effort was worth it if it got Clark to at least talk to him.

“Superman,” he said, speaking into the microphone of the sound system. “I’m speaking on a frequency only you can hear. I have kidnapped Martha Kent and if you are not here within five minutes, I will shoot her.”

Martha looked at him, then glanced at the clock. They both watched as the minutes ticked by. At four minutes and forty seconds, it looked like Clark wasn’t coming.

Another ten seconds went by and Lex was about to declare it a failure when a bright blue blur crashed through the window. Clark staggered, his face turning ghostly white.

“Luthor ... what have you ...”

Lex held up the chunk of green Kryptonite. “I’m sorry, Clark,” he said. “This hurts me as much as it hurts you, but it was the only way I could get you here and keep you here.”

Clark stared at him. “What are you ...”

Lex nodded at Mercy, the woman who had been his bodyguard for the past five years. Mercy had been a marine and was a black belt in Karate, Aikido and Tae Kwon Do. Lex had often joked that she should have been registered as a lethal weapon.

Mercy moved quickly, holding a bracelet made of blue Kryptonite, forcing it on to the weakened super hero’s wrist. For a moment, Clark’s eyes seemed to glow an electric blue before his body relaxed.

Lex threw the green Kryptonite into a lead box.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Martha told Clark, kissing him on the forehead. “But this is something I should have done years ago.”

“Mom?”

“This is what some would call an intervention, Clark,” Lex said. He nodded at Martha, who stood and left the room without a word. Mercy followed her out, glancing briefly at the two men who stared silently at each other.

“What are you doing, Lex?” Clark asked.

“I told you. It’s an intervention.”

“I don’t need an intervention.”

“I beg to differ. You’ve been left alone for ten years and it’s time it stopped.”

“You don’t understand.”

Lex picked up one of the journals on the desk.

“I think I understand perfectly. But tell me something Clark. What makes you think pushing people away is going to make it any easier for you?”

“It’s not supposed to be easier for me.”

“So easier for them then? Well, excuse me, but who the hell died and made you God?”

“What?”

“How dare you decide what is best for the rest of us? How dare you decide how we feel about your ... what do you call it?” He flicked through the journal. “Pervertedness? You had no right to any of it.”

“What would you know?” Clark said, still struggling with the cuff, which Mercy had fastened tightly around his wrist.

“Do you think I don’t understand how it feels to be different?” Lex asked softly. “To wonder if everyone is talking about you behind your back? To see someone looking at you and think that they will never really know you?”

“You could never understand how it feels to know you’re responsible for so much death and destruction.”

“Hark, do I hear violins playing?”

Clark glared at him. “Don’t make fun of me.”

“Then goddamnit, stop with the self-pity crap! You didn’t cause the meteors! That happened when your planet was destroyed, and unless you actually found a way to travel through time and cause the destruction yourself, I find it difficult to understand how you could believe yourself to responsible for any of it.”

“Why are you doing this?” Clark asked plaintively.

“Because I care about you, you jerk! For ten years I’ve tried to understand why you pulled away and I thought it was because of me. Because I’d done something to upset you. Do you think I haven’t tried to forget? Believe me, I have tried. I’ve tried til I was blue in the face but I could never forget you. Your face is burned in my brain.”

“Why couldn’t you have left me alone?” Clark sighed.

“Do you really think I could have once I knew the truth?”

He sighed again, looking resigned.

“I guess not. You never could let anything go, could you?”

Lex shrugged. “I suppose so. Then again, I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved you.”

Clark stared at him, the words sinking in.

“Why, Lex?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you love me? I’m never going to be normal. There’s no cure for what I am.”

“Having abilities such as yours isn’t a disease, Clark. Nor is it a curse.”

“But it is what sets me apart from humanity. I’m not human. I never will be.”

“You are where it counts, Clark,” Lex said, pressing a hand to his heart. “Yours is the most human heart I have ever known, and that’s saying a lot.”

He reached for Clark’s wrist and unsnapped the bracelet easily using the hidden catch. Either Clark had been too clumsy to find it, or part of him had wanted to stay. He watched for a moment as power seemed to flow through his friend’s body.

“I don’t know what to do, Lex,” Clark said, his green eyes tearful as he looked up at him.

Lex brushed a stray tear from his friend’s cheek and kissed him gently on the lips.

“We’ll work it out,” he said. “You don’t have to keep fighting alone.”

Whatever happened, whatever the future brought, they would deal with it. Together.

[tua33915]

Oh my god - Leanne. I'm tearing up. I'm gonna give my boys a virtual hug and then eat some chocolate. God I love those two. My guilty pleasure. Thank you for posting this. 😊

[phoenixnz]

Oh my god - Leanne. I'm tearing up. I'm gonna give my boys a virtual hug and then eat some chocolate. God I love those two. My guilty pleasure. Thank you for posting this. 

I felt the original story needed a sequel and while it is emotional I felt it was something a lot of people could relate to. I'm glad I could indulge your guilty pleasure

[BigRed67]

I agree with Sherry. I always felt that if not addressed that Clark could spiral down the long self loathing road for a long time. Good on Martha for getting things moving.

[phoenixnz]

I agree with Sherry. I always felt that if not addressed that Clark could spiral down the long self loathing road for a long time. Good on Martha for getting things moving.

I know. That's why I figured the first story needed further exploration. Like a what if Clark did let those feelings spiral out of control