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Lines you wish were in "Charade"

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  • Lines you wish were in "Charade"

    Lois: Hey Clark, don't you think it's so odd that we've been wanting to be together for the longest time but we just "never got around to it"?

    Clark: It's that damned cell phone of yours. It keeps ringing every time we start kissing.

    Lois: How can things be so coincidental??

    Clark: I think the producers want to stall our relationship for as long as they can.

    Lois: From now on, let's go off the script shall we?

    Clark: I'm all ears...!!

  • #2
    Lois: Sounds like - 3 syllables. First word [puckers]

    Clark: Frog...collagen...lipstick...blow

    Lois: [sighs - sings the words to "I was made for luvin you"]

    Clark: Blood...glamrock...rocknroll?

    Lois: [headbutts Clark]

    Clark: Ahhhh, "Kiss"?

    Lois: [rolls eyes and touches nose] 2nd word [points to herself]

    Clark: Boob...chest...bra...shirt?

    Lois: [sighs] Sounds like [points to her knee and knees Clark in the groin]

    Clark: Oooooooh, "Me"?

    Lois: [winks] Third Word [points to Clark]

    Clark: Badass...Neo...Heehaw...Reporter?

    Lois: [sighs] Sounds like [does theme to Jaws]

    Clark: Shark!! "Kiss Me, Shark??"

    Lois: [rolls eyes and plants a long passionate kiss on Clark]
    Last edited by skully; 04-23-2010, 04:46 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      Clark: Zod, what happened to you?

      Zod: I approached a woman who gave me the signals...

      Clark: Yeah, and then what?

      Zod: She accused me of keeping secrets & lies...

      Clark: And you just came back from the hospital after having a certain part of your body re-attached.

      Zod: How did you know?

      Clark: Been there, done that.

      Comment


      • #4
        Right after Clois fight about the Blur...

        Clark: Soooo, we still on for dinner?

        (I love Clois, but that was the first thought that popped in my head after that scene and I would've laughed so hard if he'd said that)

        Comment


        • #5
          Continued from last week:

          Metallo's back! Talk about the 4/16/10 Smallville here. Please note that jokes about violence towards women will not be tolerated here.



          Dr. Simpson: Welcome everyone to Chloroformers Anonymous. We have a new Chloroformaniac joining us this week. Everyone welcome in our newest member, Chloe Sullivan.

          Everyone: Hi Chloe!!!

          Dr. Simpson: Nice to have you here Chloe. Please take a seat.

          Chloe: But I don't belong here. Honestly.

          Dr. Simpson: That's what everyone else here said. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to getting over it.

          Chloe: This is a mistake.

          Dr. Simpson: My records show you were admitted here by one Clark Kent.

          Chloe: You're a disappointment to the medical profession, Dr. Simpson. I bet you cheated your way through medical school and are only here because you failed as a doctor & got several people killed. You also failed to save my ex-husband, Jimmy Olsen after he was impaled and failed to keep me away from Davis. It's all your fault.

          Dr. Simpson: I don't know what you're used to Ms. Sullivan, but I can assure you I won't buckle to your outrageous claims that have no merit. You're a nobody here Ms. Sullivan and your freedom from this place depends on me. Piss me off and I'll make sure you'll never see the sun again. Do I make myself perfectly clear?

          Chloe: Wait, this is a voluntary program. I can leave whenever I want.

          Dr. Simpson: Don't you wish. Don't make me go to the mattresses Ms. Sullivan.

          Chloe: The mattresses?

          Dr. Simpson: Yes I had a very messed up patient last year who glowed in the dark. I learned a trick or 2 from her. Now get seated and tell everyone why you're here.

          Chloe: I used Chloeform, my special brand of chloroform, on a variety of subjects. It started with my friend, Clark Kent's, dog who I accidentally killed when I used too much. Then I started using some on his cows, on his nuts, on the horse whose ass he slaps every now & then, on my cousin, on an associate doctor at my job...

          Dr. Simpson: That's enough Ms. Sullivan. Can anyone tell me what Ms. Sullivan was doing wrong? You, over there. Introduce yourself to Chloe.

          Lex: Hi, my name is Lex and I have a chloroforming problem. What Chloe did wrong was mistake the cloud of chloroform vapor for "cloud 9" and all the happiness that comes with being on it.

          Dr. Simpson: That's right Lex. And you know what we say...

          Lex: The sooner we can point out the faults in others, the sooner we can get better.

          Dr. Simpson: Yes!

          Chloe: If that's the case, then I don't belong here. I'm great at pointing out the faults in others.

          Dr. Simpson: No, you're great at projecting your own faults on others Ms. S. But don't you worry. By the time we're through with you, you'll be like Mr. Kent was before I helped him stop accepting all the unearned blame he took upon himself. You’ll be taking responsibility for all of Mr. Luthor’s faults over here.

          Chloe: Don’t you dream.

          Tim: Hey no fair. She shouldn’t have a handkerchief. She could use it in case she finds some chloroform.

          Chloe: Shut up Westcott! Unless it’s Chloeform, I won’t use it. I only use the top sirloin…the filet mignon of chloroform.

          Dr. Simpson: You know Tim Westcott?

          Chloe: He chloroformed Clark Kent’s girlfriend before hanging her.

          Dr. Simpson: And how did that make you feel?

          Chloe: Happy because I learned Clark’s secret.

          Lex: Clark’s secret!!!!

          Tim: Clark’s secret!!!

          Nicholas Conroy: Clark’s secret!!!

          Dr. Simpson: Oh no. Look what you did Ms. Sullivan. We already established that Clark’s secret was a bottle of Jorel soap he keeps in his pocket. It’s the secret how he keeps his hands so clean.

          Lex: And smooth.

          Dr. Simpson: Stop it Lex. You’re straight.

          Lex: How do you know?

          Dr. Simpson: We’ve been through this before Lex. Your obsession room of Mr. Kent was based on your jealousy of not having a dad who was a bottle of soap. Now, tell Chloe why you’re here.

          Lex: I chloroformed various victims & strapped them to metal tables. Then I tickled them while moonwalking around them and then made them watch me chloroform their food & feed it to them. Then I poured some meteor rock-spiked chloroform down their throats & made them have one of those Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom moments where they turn evil after entering a dark trance.

          Chloe: My hero…

          [Then some weeks later]

          Dr. Simpson: I would like to thank everyone in their participation in the talent show. Before you return to your rooms, we have one last act that will be performing now. Everyone, give it up for Chloe & Lex.

          Chloe: Yes, Lex and I will read a poem we wrote over the last few weeks. It’s brought us a lot closer and made us realize that we’re the couple of the future.

          Lex: Our love for chloroform and strapping those who annoy us to metallic furniture opened our eyes to something we’ve been missing out on for all the years we known each other.

          Dr. Simpson: I’m glad something good came out of you two being here. OK, let’s get this poem started then.

          Chloe & Lex: We chloroform them young, we chloroform them old, we chloroform anyone who puts us on hold.

          Chloe & Lex: We chloroform the short, we chloroform the tall, we chloroform anyone whose last name is Small.

          Lex: I chloroform the healthy, I chloroform the sick, I chloroform everyone cuz I’m a dick.

          Chloe: I chloroform the beautiful, I chloroform the unsightly, I chloroform them all nightly.

          Lex: I chloroform the skinny, I chloroform the fat, I chloroform those who tawt they taw a putty tat.

          Chloe: I chloroform the parents, I chloroform the kids, I chloroform them after knocking them out with trash can lids.

          Lex: I chloroform those who eat ice cream, I chloroform those who eat pies, I chloroform anyone who keeps secrets & lies.

          Chloe: I chloroform athletes, I chloroform nerds, I chloroform them while they’re relieving their turds.

          Lex: I chloroform them by inches, I chloroform them by miles, I chloroform them if they act like Dawn Stiles.

          Chloe: I chloroform the sad, I chloroform the happy, I chloroform them if they’re named Shelby, Scooby, or Scrappy.

          Lex: I chloroform Faora, I chloroform Zod, I chloroform anyone who buys an iPod.

          Chloe: I chloroform the rich, I chloroform the poor, I chloroform anyone who walks through my door.

          Lex: I chloroform the gentlemen, I chloroform the dames, I chloroform anyone named Henry James.

          Chloe: I chloroform the Easter Bunny, I chloroform Santa Claus, I chloroform anyone who points out my flaws.

          Lex: I chloroform those who fly, I chloroform those who swim, I chloroform any gill boy wannabe on a whim.

          Chloe: I chloroform those who are smart, I chloroform those who are a fool, I chloroform anyone who calls my Lex a tool.

          Lex: I chloroform them high, I chloroform them low, I chloroform them all just for Chlo’.

          Chloe: I chloroform them during work, I chloroform during sex, I’ll keep chloroforming them until they scream “Lex”.

          Chloe & Lex: We chloroform seperately, we chloroform in unity, when it comes to chloroforming we’re both equal opportunity.

          Chloe: I chloroform when Lex talks.

          Lex: I chloroform those who Chloe stalks.

          Chloe & Lex: Together, we chloroform anything that walks.

          Dr. Simpson: Wow, that was something. I think I’ve heard enough.

          Chloe: Great job Lex. You were wonderful.

          Lex: You too Chloe.

          [Dr. Simpson presses a button that calls security]

          Dr. Simpson: I think it’s time that Ms. Sullivan is put in a straight jacket & secured to some metal furniture herself.

          Chloe: Wait, what!!!!

          Dr. Simpson: You’re too far off the deep end Ms. Sullivan. You need to be locked away for a very long time.

          Chloe: No, wait!!! What about Lex?

          Dr. Simpson: What about him?

          Chloe: Doesn’t he have to be locked away too?

          Dr. Simpson: Why, no, not at all.

          Chloe: But he recited the same poem that I did. We wrote it together!!!

          Dr. Simpson: Ms. Sullivan, where have you been? He’s the villian of the story. On the other hand, you claim to be one of the good guys. No good guy is motivated by the violence I heard you cite in your poem. It’s time for Lex to be released from this institution.

          Chloe: Lex, I know they’re releasing you, and I’ll be all lonely in here, but will you wait for me?

          Lex: What for…you’ll be old.

          [Chloe is speechless]

          Dr. Simpson: Now, now, Ms. Sullivan. You’ll be here so long that history & time will forget about you and all your problems. Consider it a gift that you won’t be remembered as a Maury Povich or Jerry Springer reject.
          Last edited by xrayvision; 04-24-2010, 10:16 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by skully
            Lois: Sounds like - 3 syllables. First word [puckers]

            Clark: Frog...collagen...lipstick...blow

            Lois: [sighs - sings the words to "I was made for luvin you"]

            Clark: Blood...glamrock...rocknroll?

            Lois: [headbutts Clark]

            Clark: Ahhhh, "Kiss"?

            Lois: [rolls eyes and touches nose] 2nd word [points to herself]

            Clark: Boob...chest...bra...shirt?

            Lois: [sighs] Sounds like [points to her knee and knees Clark in the groin]

            Clark: Oooooooh, "Me"?

            Lois: [winks] Third Word [points to Clark]

            Clark: Badass...Neo...Heehaw...Reporter?

            Lois: [sighs] Sounds like [does theme to Jaws]

            Clark: Shark!! "Kiss Me, Shark??"

            Lois: [rolls eyes and plants a long passionate kiss on Clark]
            Let's just leave it at that!

            ----- Added 4 Minutes later -----

            Originally posted by xrayvision
            Continued from last week:

            Metallo's back! Talk about the 4/16/10 Smallville here. Please note that jokes about violence towards women will not be tolerated here.



            Dr. Simpson: Welcome everyone to Chloroformers Anonymous. We have a new Chloroformaniac joining us this week. Everyone welcome in our newest member, Chloe Sullivan.

            Everyone: Hi Chloe!!!

            Dr. Simpson: Nice to have you here Chloe. Please take a seat.

            Chloe: But I don't belong here. Honestly.

            Dr. Simpson: That's what everyone else here said. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to getting over it.

            Chloe: This is a mistake.

            Dr. Simpson: My records show you were admitted here by one Clark Kent.

            Chloe: You're a disappointment to the medical profession, Dr. Simpson. I bet you cheated your way through medical school and are only here because you failed as a doctor & got several people killed. You also failed to save my ex-husband, Jimmy Olsen after he was impaled and failed to keep me away from Davis. It's all your fault.

            Dr. Simpson: I don't know what you're used to Ms. Sullivan, but I can assure you I won't buckle to your outrageous claims that have no merit. You're a nobody here Ms. Sullivan and your freedom from this place depends on me. Piss me off and I'll make sure you'll never see the sun again. Do I make myself perfectly clear?

            Chloe: Wait, this is a voluntary program. I can leave whenever I want.

            Dr. Simpson: Don't you wish. Don't make me go to the mattresses Ms. Sullivan.

            Chloe: The mattresses?

            Dr. Simpson: Yes I had a very messed up patient last year who glowed in the dark. I learned a trick or 2 from her. Now get seated and tell everyone why you're here.

            Chloe: I used Chloeform, my special brand of chloroform, on a variety of subjects. It started with my friend, Clark Kent's, dog who I accidentally killed when I used too much. Then I started using some on his cows, on his nuts, on the horse whose ass he slaps every now & then, on my cousin, on an associate doctor at my job...

            Dr. Simpson: That's enough Ms. Sullivan. Can anyone tell me what Ms. Sullivan was doing wrong? You, over there. Introduce yourself to Chloe.

            Lex: Hi, my name is Lex and I have a chloroforming problem. What Chloe did wrong was mistake the cloud of chloroform vapor for "cloud 9" and all the happiness that comes with being on it.

            Dr. Simpson: That's right Lex. And you know what we say...

            Lex: The sooner we can point out the faults in others, the sooner we can get better.

            Dr. Simpson: Yes!

            Chloe: If that's the case, then I don't belong here. I'm great at pointing out the faults in others.

            Dr. Simpson: No, you're great at projecting your own faults on others Ms. S. But don't you worry. By the time we're through with you, you'll be like Mr. Kent was before I helped him stop accepting all the unearned blame he took upon himself. You’ll be taking responsibility for all of Mr. Luthor’s faults over here.

            Chloe: Don’t you dream.

            Tim: Hey no fair. She shouldn’t have a handkerchief. She could use it in case she finds some chloroform.

            Chloe: Shut up Westcott! Unless it’s Chloeform, I won’t use it. I only use the top sirloin…the filet mignon of chloroform.

            Dr. Simpson: You know Tim Westcott?

            Chloe: He chloroformed Clark Kent’s girlfriend before hanging her.

            Dr. Simpson: And how did that make you feel?

            Chloe: Happy because I learned Clark’s secret.

            Lex: Clark’s secret!!!!

            Tim: Clark’s secret!!!

            Nicholas Conroy: Clark’s secret!!!

            Dr. Simpson: Oh no. Look what you did Ms. Sullivan. We already established that Clark’s secret was a bottle of Jorel soap he keeps in his pocket. It’s the secret how he keeps his hands so clean.

            Lex: And smooth.

            Dr. Simpson: Stop it Lex. You’re straight.

            Lex: How do you know?

            Dr. Simpson: We’ve been through this before Lex. Your obsession room of Mr. Kent was based on your jealousy of not having a dad who was a bottle of soap. Now, tell Chloe why you’re here.

            Lex: I chloroformed various victims & strapped them to metal tables. Then I tickled them while moonwalking around them and then made them watch me chloroform their food & feed it to them. Then I poured some meteor rock-spiked chloroform down their throats & made them have one of those Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom moments where they turn evil after entering a dark trance.

            Chloe: My hero…

            [Then some weeks later]

            Dr. Simpson: I would like to thank everyone in their participation in the talent show. Before you return to your rooms, we have one last act that will be performing now. Everyone, give it up for Chloe & Lex.

            Chloe: Yes, Lex and I will read a poem we wrote over the last few weeks. It’s brought us a lot closer and made us realize that we’re the couple of the future.

            Lex: Our love for chloroform and strapping those who annoy us to metallic furniture opened our eyes to something we’ve been missing out on for all the years we known each other.

            Dr. Simpson: I’m glad something good came out of you two being here. OK, let’s get this poem started then.

            Chloe & Lex: We chloroform them young, we chloroform them old, we chloroform anyone who puts us on hold.

            Chloe & Lex: We chloroform the short, we chloroform the tall, we chloroform anyone whose last name is Small.

            Lex: I chloroform the healthy, I chloroform the sick, I chloroform everyone cuz I’m a dick.

            Chloe: I chloroform the beautiful, I chloroform the unsightly, I chloroform them all nightly.

            Lex: I chloroform the skinny, I chloroform the fat, I chloroform those who tawt they taw a putty tat.

            Chloe: I chloroform the parents, I chloroform the kids, I chloroform them after knocking them out with trash can lids.

            Lex: I chloroform those who eat ice cream, I chloroform those who eat pies, I chloroform anyone who keeps secrets & lies.

            Chloe: I chloroform athletes, I chloroform nerds, I chloroform them while they’re relieving their turds.

            Lex: I chloroform them by inches, I chloroform them by miles, I chloroform them if they act like Dawn Stiles.

            Chloe: I chloroform the sad, I chloroform the happy, I chloroform them if they’re named Shelby, Scooby, or Scrappy.

            Lex: I chloroform Faora, I chloroform Zod, I chloroform anyone who buys an iPod.

            Chloe: I chloroform the rich, I chloroform the poor, I chloroform anyone who walks through my door.

            Lex: I chloroform the gentlemen, I chloroform the dames, I chloroform anyone named Henry James.

            Chloe: I chloroform the Easter Bunny, I chloroform Santa Claus, I chloroform anyone who points out my flaws.

            Lex: I chloroform those who fly, I chloroform those who swim, I chloroform any gill boy wannabe on a whim.

            Chloe: I chloroform those who are smart, I chloroform those who are a fool, I chloroform anyone who calls my Lex a tool.

            Lex: I chloroform them high, I chloroform them low, I chloroform them all just for Chlo’.

            Chloe: I chloroform them during work, I chloroform during sex, I’ll keep chloroforming them until they scream “Lex”.

            Chloe & Lex: We chloroform seperately, we chloroform in unity, when it comes to chloroforming we’re both equal opportunity.

            Chloe: I chloroform when Lex talks.

            Lex: I chloroform those who Chloe stalks.

            Chloe & Lex: Together, we chloroform anything that walks.

            Dr. Simpson: Wow, that was something. I think I’ve heard enough.

            Chloe: Great job Lex. You were wonderful.

            Lex: You too Chloe.

            [Dr. Simpson presses a button that calls security]

            Dr. Simpson: I think it’s time that Ms. Sullivan is put in a straight jacket & secured to some metal furniture herself.

            Chloe: Wait, what!!!!

            Dr. Simpson: You’re too far off the deep end Ms. Sullivan. You need to be locked away for a very long time.

            Chloe: No, wait!!! What about Lex?

            Dr. Simpson: What about him?

            Chloe: Doesn’t he have to be locked away too?

            Dr. Simpson: Why, no, not at all.

            Chloe: But he recited the same poem that I did. We wrote it together!!!

            Dr. Simpson: Ms. Sullivan, where have you been? He’s the villian of the story. On the other hand, you claim to be one of the good guys. No good guy is motivated by the violence I heard you cite in your poem. It’s time for Lex to be released from this institution.

            Chloe: Lex, I know they’re releasing you, and I’ll be all lonely in here, but will you wait for me?

            Lex: What for…you’ll be old.

            [Chloe is speechless]

            Dr. Simpson: Now, now, Ms. Sullivan. You’ll be here so long that history & time will forget about you and all your problems. Consider it a gift that you won’t be remembered as a Maury Povich or Jerry Springer reject.
            As dark as this is, I applaud your ingenuity!. Makes me think of a Tarantino Film. LOL
            Last edited by u2rocks2009; 04-25-2010, 05:44 AM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

            Comment


            • #7
              [Clark puts his hand on Lois' shoulder]

              Lois: Bruce?

              Clark: Lois, you got some explainin' to do.

              Comment


              • #8
                Clark: I know we said we would keep some secrets from each other........but there's one I can't keep from you any longer Lois.

                Lois: What? What is it?

                Clark: I want to wear your sexy bunny costume. My Blur outfit has outlived its usefulness and I really think the bunny costume is the way to go. Wait....I don't have to shave my legs do I?

                Lois: Wait, wait, back the hell up! Did you seriously just say, "my Blur outfit has outlived its usefulness"? You're the Blur and you never told me?

                Clark: Uh, well........I'll be "The Bunny" when you give me your costume.

                Lois: That explains a lot! The disappearances, why we've never had sex, why couldn't I piece it together? Do I really mean so little to you that you wouldn't share a secret that big with me? HOW DARE YOU!!!!

                Clark: So that's a "no" on giving me the bunny costume?

                Comment


                • #9
                  ^^LOL, the Bunny. I would go blind if I ever saw Clark wear it.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by xrayvision
                    ^^LOL, the Bunny. I would go blind if I ever saw Clark wear it.
                    Me too, I'd go blind just watching him trying to squeeze into it!

                    Now Lois getting into it..........that would be juicy.

                    Comment

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