SVsleuth
11-14-2007, 11:15 AM
After Wrath: Confessions
“I just need to know that you love me…no matter what,” Lana said as she glanced up at Clark.
Clark just searched Lana’s eyes, trying to connect with her on some level.
Finally he spoke softly. “Lana…don’t ever doubt that I love you. I will always love you. I just…I just need to understand where all that rage came from. I’ve never seen rage in you before, Lana. What did Lex do to you to cause that kind of anger?”
Lana released a slow breath, then walked past Clark to take a seat on the couch. She motioned for him to join her.
After Clark sat down, Lana continued. “Clark, it would be really easy to blame Lex for everything. But the truth is, I’ve had rage buried deep inside for years - for almost as long as I can remember.”
Clark furrowed his eyebrows, and gazed at Lana, but kept silent, sensing she had a story to tell.
“My strongest memory from my childhood, is one that has plagued me every night of my life - watching as a meteor fell from the sky and killed my parents. Thinking of it…speaking of it…” - Lana took a deep breath and let it out - “is still so hard to do. I’ve had nightmares for as long as I can remember…and still, it seems so unfair. Why were they taken away from me? I’ve pushed the anger down for so long… I tried to put on a happy face to please Nell… but my life was so empty…and I’ve felt so alone.
“It was so hard to get close to anyone again after that. I kept to myself a lot as a child…read books, where everything always ended happily ever after. It was easier to live in a fantasy world than to face the real one. Eventually, I did make a friend - Emily. We became really close, like sisters. I began to feel like maybe it was possible for me to have love in my life again, and not feel so alone. And then, that day on the bridge…when I fell in…and she tried to save me. I’ve had to live with the guilt every day, that it should have been me who drowned.” Lana was sobbing softly now as she told the story. Clark reached out and took her hand. Lana sniffed. “And yet again, I buried the anger I felt. Why was she taken away from me? It’s not fair. Inside I was constantly screaming, It’s not fair!
“I withdrew again, into my books. Nell was worried about me. She wanted to see me happy. I knew I couldn’t be happy. But, I figured, maybe I could at least make Nell happy by pretending to be. So I gave in and joined cheerleading, in junior high. I put on a good show, and it made Nell happy. But at night, I often couldn’t sleep. I’d awaken with nightmares of my parents, or of Emily. I’d cry and cry to try to get rid of the rage inside of me. Nell would tell me all about my Mom. She made her sound like some perfect person, with the perfect life. I wished I could have that life. I tried to live up to the image I had of her. It was impossible.
“I tried to expand my group of friends in junior high. I ended up in the cheerleader crowd, considered to be one of the ‘popular’ girls. No one really knew what my life was like. What I showed to everyone was mostly a façade. A façade I began to hate.
“One of my friends, Julia Altman…she got hit by a car…. The doctors said she’d never recover. Again I felt the rage inside that I had to hold down. It just seemed so unfair.
“As I started high school, I ended up paired with Whitney - it was just expected, you know…star quarterback dates the head cheerleader. Our relationship was so superficial, though. Whitney never really knew me.
“I used to ride, when I needed to get away from it all. So then Nell got me into all these riding competitions. I did it to make her happy. But for me, riding was a way to try to deal with my anger and my loneliness.
“I started visiting my parents at the graveyard. I would talk to them there - kind of my way of trying to deal with all the pain in my life, all the questions and uncertainty. I just needed to go to the only people I ever remember feeling loved by - and I barely remember that. No one knew I visited there often. I’m sure if Nell had known, she’d have signed me up for counseling, thinking I was crazy, conversing with dead people and all.
“But then, that day freshman year, you happened upon me there. Somehow, I felt I could trust you. I allowed you to see a side of me I hadn’t shown to anyone. You seemed to understand, at least about feeling so alone. I didn’t share the anger and rage with you, but I did let you see the loneliness. Knowing you were adopted, I gathered that you somehow understood. You gave me hope, Clark, hope that maybe I could somehow really be myself for a change, and it would be okay.
“I often felt after that, that I could open up to you. I let you in, more than I had ever let anyone else in. I desperately wanted you to do the same; but you hid yourself from me. It hurt me so much, Clark, and I became angry with you too.
“Whitney wanted to get serious, and I was getting interested in you. Then he went off to war and got killed. It seemed to me again, that any time I get close to someone, they died. My inner rage only increased at how unfair life was. I began to believe I was cursed, that everyone I would ever love would be taken away from me. It made me hesitant in relationships, even with you.
“With us…you know we kept trying… I wanted a relationship with you so badly. But so many crazy, unexplainable things happened… and I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to get away somewhere where no one knew me at all, where no one would judge me, and I could make a fresh start. That’s when I went to Paris.
“I still don’t understand what that all was that happened with Isobel possessing me, and that symbol on my back - it was Kryptonian, wasn’t it Clark?” Clark nodded silently. Lana continued, “But I have a feeling that, when she was in control of me, my anger finally was expressed. In the end, she possessed me again, and used the stone from China to kill Genevieve Teague. I killed her, Clark. The blood was on my hands. I still wake up at night, seeing that bloody stone in my own hands, and her bleeding body on the floor.
“Then you and I finally got together. We mutually agreed to pretend the past had never happened. I knew you didn’t really want to see the ugliness inside of me. You wanted to live a fairy tale kind of life with the image of this perfect girl that you created in your mind. I allowed it, because I desperately needed someone. I didn’t want to be alone. And yet, I had this fear that if I got too close to you, the day would come that you also would die. I was terrified of that. And then it happened. I was so full of grief, and also anger, again. I wanted to scream how very unfair it all is. Why am I not allowed to have somebody to love, somebody who will love me? Why are they always taken from me?
“And then, you somehow miraculously returned from the dead. I thought, for once, fate had been kind to me. I didn’t question how… I didn’t want to know. I just wanted to be with you. But you kept pulling away. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t connect with you.
“Clark, when you pushed me away...and even said you didn’t love me anymore…all the pain I’ve described to you was as nothing compared to what it felt like for you to reject me. I knew you were lying…and I just couldn’t understand why you would do that to me.
“Lex was waiting in the wings ready to pounce. He actually had sent Simone to try to break us up, Clark. He was manipulating both of us. I was so weak, I fell for his lies. He knew how to play on my insecurities and fears. He pretended to be everything he knew I wanted. But what he really wanted all along was your secret.
“I didn’t see it at first. I desperately wanted someone to trust me, so I fell for his lies. I tried to move on from you. I tried to hate you. Lex manipulated me into sleeping with him - only once, but that was all he needed. Then he showed his true colors. He made me think I was pregnant, Clark. He had me injected with hormones that mimic pregnancy. In spite of it being Lex’s baby, I was happy about it. I thought that maybe, finally, I’d have someone to love who wouldn’t fail me.
Lana began to sob. “I loved my baby - a baby that I later found out never even existed. He faked a miscarriage, put me through emotional hell, all to make me more needy, more dependant on him. Then, he cloned me - I guess he stole my DNA during some of those ‘tests’.
“My anger boiled over at that point, Clark. I was determined that Lex not win, that I not become dependant on him. I decided to fight, to stand up for myself, and fight fire with fire. I was going to try to get away from him.
“Lionel, meanwhile, had enlisted my help against Lex. But then, he turned on me, when I said I wasn’t going to marry Lex. He threatened to kill you if I didn’t marry Lex. He wanted me there to spy on Lex and get information for him, which he claimed would help protect you. Both of them knew how much I love you, Clark. They used that love to manipulate me. I decided that if I couldn’t be with you, at least I could protect you from them. Both of them were obsessed with you. After I found out about your abilities, I just wanted even more to protect you. I thought you were meteor infected. I knew both Lionel and Lex were experimenting on those people and abusing them for their own gain. I decided that maybe my place in the world is to do what I can to stop the Luthors from hurting people.
“So I faked my death, I did what I had to do, to get out, to protect you, and to help others. But I didn’t think you would understand. I knew you had this image of me as this lily white princess who is all sweetness and light. Maybe that’s the person I would like to be, so, for you, I tried to be that - but I hid the ugly side of myself from you. You have to understand, Clark, that I could not risk losing you again. I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved. I can’t lose you, not again.”
Lana looked up at Clark with tears in her eyes. She reached a hand up to caress his face. Clark closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. He understood. He recalled the lengths he had gone to to bring her back to life on election night.
Lana removed her hand and continued her story. “When I faked my death, I intended to kill Lex. But when the moment came, I couldn’t do it. I thought of you, and I couldn’t do it. I knew I would disappoint you if I did it, and risk losing you forever. But, when I got your powers, I suddenly had the ability to beat Lex. It was an intoxicating power, Clark; I finally felt like I could do some good for the world, by eliminating Lex. Again I went after him, fully intending to kill him. And again, I couldn’t do it, because I thought of you. And that enraged me all the more. Lex deserves to die, and somehow I resented you for not allowing me to give him what he deserves.
“And now, you can finally see me, see that I’m not the princess you always thought I was, and that I never have been. Yes, Clark you played a part in who I’ve become, but I made my own decisions along the way. I don’t want to be a vengeful person, Clark. But this rage inside of me, this pain and loneliness - the only time it goes away is when I’m with you. And I need you, Clark, to love me, in spite of my faults, and to not abandon me this time. You give me hope, Clark. And without it, I’m afraid of what I might become.”
Lana looked up at Clark to find him struggling to maintain his composure. His eyes were filled with tears, his face flushed, and he swallowed hard. They gazed into each other’s eyes for several long minutes.
“I’m sorry, Lana. I’m sorry I was so blind to your pain. I’m so sorry I ever played any part in hurting you.” Clark pulled Lana gently into his arms, and they held one another for a few minutes that seemed like an eternity to them.
When he pulled back, he looked into her eyes lovingly, “I love you, Lana. I will always love you, no matter what.
After a few moments gazing at ach other in silence, Clark continued, “Now I want to let you in on what life has been like for Clark Kent… because, you see, Lana, we’re really not that different.
“That day that we met up in the graveyard. The reason I was there was I had just found out the truth - that I’m from another planet. I was so angry - angry at my parents for keeping it from me, angry at my biological parents for sending me away. I just felt like maybe my life was meant to be something different, that I really didn’t belong here at all, that that’s why I’d always felt like an outsider.
“When you opened up to me about how alone you always felt - it really helped me to know that normal people felt that way too. I wanted to get to know you, but your necklace…”
Lana gasped, “Oh, Clark, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, you didn’t know.
“Anyway, growing up was hard. My parents were so afraid that someone would find out about me, and take me away to experiment on me. They impressed one message upon me constantly - that I must hide my abilities, and pretend to be a normal kid. So, like you, I was out there, pretending to be someone I’m not.
“And yet, I never really could be like everyone else. I couldn’t play T-ball, or football, because my parents were afraid I might hurt someone and reveal my powers. I had to try to blend in, but I ended up just feeling like a loser. Highlight of that was being strung up as the scarecrow. But that day was also the first time I was glad to have my abilities. The meteor infected boy, Jeremy, planned to kill everyone at the homecoming dance. I was able to stop him. It felt really good to be able to use my abilities to save people.
“After that, it seemed that opportunities constantly arose to use my abilities for good. You remember when Tina Greer pretended to be Whitney, and closed you into a tomb at the cemetery? I used my newly acquired ability to see through things to find you, then broke the tomb open to save you.
“And the day of our non-date to the Radiohead Concert - when I left you, I went to save Chloe from Sean. I knew she was planning to meet with him that night.
“I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve saved you and Chloe, and sometimes other people, Lana, even Lex. It’s not easy to do it and still fly under the radar. So, yes, Lana, I have been hiding on the farm; but I’ve also tried to save the people that I care about, and have done so many, many times, often risking detection in order to do it. I’m happy to be able to help, and yet, there’s always a part of me that just wants to be normal, and experience what it’s like to be just like everyone else.”
Clark took Lana’s hand in his and gazed into her eyes. “I want to be with the girl I love, and be able to devote my whole life to her, and give her everything she deserves.”
Lana looked up at Clark with love. “Then why’d you ever push me away, Clark? I would have accepted you, I would have loved you.”
Clark lowered his eyes. “I was scared, Lana. Every time I thought about how I came here, in the meteor shower…I just felt so guilty. I felt like I killed you parents, and I was afraid you wouldn’t forgive me for that. And I felt like all those meteor infected people were only here because of me. That it was my fault they were infected, and their lives were ruined and the lives of those they injured. It was a heavy guilt I carried, Lana - it still weighs on me. I can’t seem to get away from the feeling that it is all my fault.
“I knew the death of your parents was your greatest pain - and I felt responsible for it. It’s like I caused your pain, Lana. And I guess I always looked beyond that pain, to see the person I thought you would be, if it hadn’t have been for me. It’s complicated.”
Clark sighed. Lana took his hand in hers and spoke softly. “I don’t blame you, Clark. It’s not your fault.”
Clark nodded.
“So many times, I wanted to tell you my secret, Lana. But something always changed my mind. I was afraid that knowing would put you in danger. It was a constant struggle for me, because I really wanted someone to know me - I wanted you to know me.
“You mentioned the day I died. Well, I had lost my powers when I disobeyed Jor-El, because I stayed behind to save you. I was so happy to be able to be normal and finaly be with you. We were finally able to give ourselves completely to each other. I don’t regret that, Lana, not ever.
“But without my powers, I found that I was unable to save people, the way I had become accustomed to. It was like a whole part of me was missing. I couldn’t help myself, I had to keep trying to help. So I got shot trying, and I died.
Jor-El brought me back. He said that my mission on earth was to important. But he also told me something that pained me greatly: he said that the life-force of someone I love would be exchanged for mine, to keep the balance in nature. I lived every day, afraid to love anyone, especially you, afraid that if I loved you, you would be the one. So I pulled away from you. I could tell I was losing you. You needed me to open up to you, but I couldn’t. I was so afraid.
“Lana, it took me a long time, but I finally did tell you the truth - the day of my dad’s election to the Senate.”
Lana looked at Clark strangely and shook her head negatively.
“I know, Lana, you don’t remember this, but I have to tell you the truth. Remember when I asked you to come here, and bring a scarf and gloves? Well, you came, and I took you with me to my Fortress of Solitude, in the arctic.” Clark noted the look of confusion on Lana’s face. “When you brought me the stone, during the second meteor shower - you were right, the stones were meant for me. I united them, and ended up in the arctic, where a structure was formed. It contains the knowledge from the known galaxies, collected on Krypton. My biological father can communicate with me there. Sorry, I know there’s a lot I still have to catch you up on. Just try to follow for now.
“I brought you there, to tell you everything. And I did. And you accepted me. Then I proposed to you and made you a ring. The day of the election, you accepted my proposal.”
“Clark…,” Lana said, having a hard time believing him.
“Lana, there’s more. Please, just listen.”
Lana nodded.
“When my dad won, there was a lot of commotion, with pictures and all. I lost track of you. And then you called me. You said Lex was chasing you, that somehow he knew that you knew my secret. I ran to where you were, at full speed…” Clark stopped and swallowed hard. It was still difficult for him to relive that day. His eyes filled with tears, and he squeezed Lana’s hand tightly.
“I was too late, Lana,” he said almost inaudibly. “You were hit by a bus…your body was…you were dead.” The tears fell freely down his face now.
“I was so filled with grief at losing you. I couldn’t accept it. I wanted to save you, but I couldn’t. I went to the Fortress. I begged Jor-El to change it. I told him that you didn’t deserve to pay the price for my mistakes. Your life couldn’t be exchanged for mine. I couldn’t live with that. He reluctantly told me about a crystal that could be used only once to turn back time. I didn’t hesitate for a moment. I didn’t even consider what the consequences might be for anyone else. All I knew was that I had to bring you back. You didn’t deserve to die. And I couldn’t bear to lose you, especially now that everything was finally perfect between us.
“I used the crystal, and found myself back here, at the moment you arrived with your gloves and scarf. I couldn’t believe you were really here again. I hugged you tightly. I didn’t ever want to let you go. But, suddenly, I knew that I couldn’t tell you the truth again. I had always feared that telling you would put you in danger - and it had. So I lied to you again. And you had had enough of that. I knew that I wouldn’t ever be able to be with you - but I at least took comfort in knowing you were alive.
“So, you see, Lana, I went to extremes to protect the person that I love. We’re not that different.
Something suddenly dawned on Lana, and she gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. “Oh, Clark. Your dad. He…” She began to sob. “He died in my place?” she choked out.
“No, Lana. He died in my place. And anger filled me like never before. I went out after evildoers, ready to crush them with my power, vengeance driving me. That’s why I know that I can’t ever use my abilities to kill. Because that’s what I’ll become.
Clark was silent for a few moments, re-focusing his train of thought.
“I expected you to leave me, Lana, when I continued to hide the truth from you. But you didn’t. You kept waiting for me to open up. Finally, after what happened with Simone, I decided that the only way to get you to move on and find happiness without me was to tell you the greatest lie of all. Lana, I regret to this day ever hurting you like that. I wanted you to be happy. I just never anticipated that you would run to Lex, the one who caused your death in the first place. I continued to try to protect you. I knew what a monster Lex really is, and I hated myself for pushing you into his clutches.
Clark took both of Lana’s hands in his and gazed intently into her eyes. “I never stopped loving you, Lana, not for a second. You have to know that.”
Lana just looked up into his eyes and whispered, “I know. Somehow, I always knew.”
Clark kissed her softly, then released her hands and shifted on the couch.
“Lana, when you told me what Lionel did - how he forced you to marry Lex - I became so angry. I went after Lionel, I nearly killed him. I would have, if Martian Manhunter hadn’t arrived to stop me. He said that Jor-El was using Lionel as his emissary.
“And, when you faked your death, Lana, I thought - I thought that Lex had done it. I went after him Lana, filled with rage, fully intending to kill him. It was only the appearance of the last Phantom that stopped me from doing it.
“So I’ve experienced the rage, Lana. I’ve come so close to killing, several times. But if I ever do it, I’ll be no different from those other Kryptonians, who escaped from the Phantom zone, or the ones who came in the black ship. I don’t want to be like that, Lana. Decisions of life and death are not mine to make. If I am to use my abilities to save people, then I have to save, not kill with them. If I kill, I fear the person I could become.”
Clark looked up at Lana. “So, you see, Lana, I can’t judge you. We’re not that different. We both struggle with fear, guilt, anger, and isolation. I won’t hide anything from you anymore, Lana. I’m not sure what the future holds for us, but…I hope we can face it together.”
Lana smiled up at Clark and leaned into him. “So do I, Clark. So do I.” And their lips met in a lingering kiss, the first ever with no secrets and no lies between them.
THE END
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“I just need to know that you love me…no matter what,” Lana said as she glanced up at Clark.
Clark just searched Lana’s eyes, trying to connect with her on some level.
Finally he spoke softly. “Lana…don’t ever doubt that I love you. I will always love you. I just…I just need to understand where all that rage came from. I’ve never seen rage in you before, Lana. What did Lex do to you to cause that kind of anger?”
Lana released a slow breath, then walked past Clark to take a seat on the couch. She motioned for him to join her.
After Clark sat down, Lana continued. “Clark, it would be really easy to blame Lex for everything. But the truth is, I’ve had rage buried deep inside for years - for almost as long as I can remember.”
Clark furrowed his eyebrows, and gazed at Lana, but kept silent, sensing she had a story to tell.
“My strongest memory from my childhood, is one that has plagued me every night of my life - watching as a meteor fell from the sky and killed my parents. Thinking of it…speaking of it…” - Lana took a deep breath and let it out - “is still so hard to do. I’ve had nightmares for as long as I can remember…and still, it seems so unfair. Why were they taken away from me? I’ve pushed the anger down for so long… I tried to put on a happy face to please Nell… but my life was so empty…and I’ve felt so alone.
“It was so hard to get close to anyone again after that. I kept to myself a lot as a child…read books, where everything always ended happily ever after. It was easier to live in a fantasy world than to face the real one. Eventually, I did make a friend - Emily. We became really close, like sisters. I began to feel like maybe it was possible for me to have love in my life again, and not feel so alone. And then, that day on the bridge…when I fell in…and she tried to save me. I’ve had to live with the guilt every day, that it should have been me who drowned.” Lana was sobbing softly now as she told the story. Clark reached out and took her hand. Lana sniffed. “And yet again, I buried the anger I felt. Why was she taken away from me? It’s not fair. Inside I was constantly screaming, It’s not fair!
“I withdrew again, into my books. Nell was worried about me. She wanted to see me happy. I knew I couldn’t be happy. But, I figured, maybe I could at least make Nell happy by pretending to be. So I gave in and joined cheerleading, in junior high. I put on a good show, and it made Nell happy. But at night, I often couldn’t sleep. I’d awaken with nightmares of my parents, or of Emily. I’d cry and cry to try to get rid of the rage inside of me. Nell would tell me all about my Mom. She made her sound like some perfect person, with the perfect life. I wished I could have that life. I tried to live up to the image I had of her. It was impossible.
“I tried to expand my group of friends in junior high. I ended up in the cheerleader crowd, considered to be one of the ‘popular’ girls. No one really knew what my life was like. What I showed to everyone was mostly a façade. A façade I began to hate.
“One of my friends, Julia Altman…she got hit by a car…. The doctors said she’d never recover. Again I felt the rage inside that I had to hold down. It just seemed so unfair.
“As I started high school, I ended up paired with Whitney - it was just expected, you know…star quarterback dates the head cheerleader. Our relationship was so superficial, though. Whitney never really knew me.
“I used to ride, when I needed to get away from it all. So then Nell got me into all these riding competitions. I did it to make her happy. But for me, riding was a way to try to deal with my anger and my loneliness.
“I started visiting my parents at the graveyard. I would talk to them there - kind of my way of trying to deal with all the pain in my life, all the questions and uncertainty. I just needed to go to the only people I ever remember feeling loved by - and I barely remember that. No one knew I visited there often. I’m sure if Nell had known, she’d have signed me up for counseling, thinking I was crazy, conversing with dead people and all.
“But then, that day freshman year, you happened upon me there. Somehow, I felt I could trust you. I allowed you to see a side of me I hadn’t shown to anyone. You seemed to understand, at least about feeling so alone. I didn’t share the anger and rage with you, but I did let you see the loneliness. Knowing you were adopted, I gathered that you somehow understood. You gave me hope, Clark, hope that maybe I could somehow really be myself for a change, and it would be okay.
“I often felt after that, that I could open up to you. I let you in, more than I had ever let anyone else in. I desperately wanted you to do the same; but you hid yourself from me. It hurt me so much, Clark, and I became angry with you too.
“Whitney wanted to get serious, and I was getting interested in you. Then he went off to war and got killed. It seemed to me again, that any time I get close to someone, they died. My inner rage only increased at how unfair life was. I began to believe I was cursed, that everyone I would ever love would be taken away from me. It made me hesitant in relationships, even with you.
“With us…you know we kept trying… I wanted a relationship with you so badly. But so many crazy, unexplainable things happened… and I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to get away somewhere where no one knew me at all, where no one would judge me, and I could make a fresh start. That’s when I went to Paris.
“I still don’t understand what that all was that happened with Isobel possessing me, and that symbol on my back - it was Kryptonian, wasn’t it Clark?” Clark nodded silently. Lana continued, “But I have a feeling that, when she was in control of me, my anger finally was expressed. In the end, she possessed me again, and used the stone from China to kill Genevieve Teague. I killed her, Clark. The blood was on my hands. I still wake up at night, seeing that bloody stone in my own hands, and her bleeding body on the floor.
“Then you and I finally got together. We mutually agreed to pretend the past had never happened. I knew you didn’t really want to see the ugliness inside of me. You wanted to live a fairy tale kind of life with the image of this perfect girl that you created in your mind. I allowed it, because I desperately needed someone. I didn’t want to be alone. And yet, I had this fear that if I got too close to you, the day would come that you also would die. I was terrified of that. And then it happened. I was so full of grief, and also anger, again. I wanted to scream how very unfair it all is. Why am I not allowed to have somebody to love, somebody who will love me? Why are they always taken from me?
“And then, you somehow miraculously returned from the dead. I thought, for once, fate had been kind to me. I didn’t question how… I didn’t want to know. I just wanted to be with you. But you kept pulling away. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t connect with you.
“Clark, when you pushed me away...and even said you didn’t love me anymore…all the pain I’ve described to you was as nothing compared to what it felt like for you to reject me. I knew you were lying…and I just couldn’t understand why you would do that to me.
“Lex was waiting in the wings ready to pounce. He actually had sent Simone to try to break us up, Clark. He was manipulating both of us. I was so weak, I fell for his lies. He knew how to play on my insecurities and fears. He pretended to be everything he knew I wanted. But what he really wanted all along was your secret.
“I didn’t see it at first. I desperately wanted someone to trust me, so I fell for his lies. I tried to move on from you. I tried to hate you. Lex manipulated me into sleeping with him - only once, but that was all he needed. Then he showed his true colors. He made me think I was pregnant, Clark. He had me injected with hormones that mimic pregnancy. In spite of it being Lex’s baby, I was happy about it. I thought that maybe, finally, I’d have someone to love who wouldn’t fail me.
Lana began to sob. “I loved my baby - a baby that I later found out never even existed. He faked a miscarriage, put me through emotional hell, all to make me more needy, more dependant on him. Then, he cloned me - I guess he stole my DNA during some of those ‘tests’.
“My anger boiled over at that point, Clark. I was determined that Lex not win, that I not become dependant on him. I decided to fight, to stand up for myself, and fight fire with fire. I was going to try to get away from him.
“Lionel, meanwhile, had enlisted my help against Lex. But then, he turned on me, when I said I wasn’t going to marry Lex. He threatened to kill you if I didn’t marry Lex. He wanted me there to spy on Lex and get information for him, which he claimed would help protect you. Both of them knew how much I love you, Clark. They used that love to manipulate me. I decided that if I couldn’t be with you, at least I could protect you from them. Both of them were obsessed with you. After I found out about your abilities, I just wanted even more to protect you. I thought you were meteor infected. I knew both Lionel and Lex were experimenting on those people and abusing them for their own gain. I decided that maybe my place in the world is to do what I can to stop the Luthors from hurting people.
“So I faked my death, I did what I had to do, to get out, to protect you, and to help others. But I didn’t think you would understand. I knew you had this image of me as this lily white princess who is all sweetness and light. Maybe that’s the person I would like to be, so, for you, I tried to be that - but I hid the ugly side of myself from you. You have to understand, Clark, that I could not risk losing you again. I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved. I can’t lose you, not again.”
Lana looked up at Clark with tears in her eyes. She reached a hand up to caress his face. Clark closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. He understood. He recalled the lengths he had gone to to bring her back to life on election night.
Lana removed her hand and continued her story. “When I faked my death, I intended to kill Lex. But when the moment came, I couldn’t do it. I thought of you, and I couldn’t do it. I knew I would disappoint you if I did it, and risk losing you forever. But, when I got your powers, I suddenly had the ability to beat Lex. It was an intoxicating power, Clark; I finally felt like I could do some good for the world, by eliminating Lex. Again I went after him, fully intending to kill him. And again, I couldn’t do it, because I thought of you. And that enraged me all the more. Lex deserves to die, and somehow I resented you for not allowing me to give him what he deserves.
“And now, you can finally see me, see that I’m not the princess you always thought I was, and that I never have been. Yes, Clark you played a part in who I’ve become, but I made my own decisions along the way. I don’t want to be a vengeful person, Clark. But this rage inside of me, this pain and loneliness - the only time it goes away is when I’m with you. And I need you, Clark, to love me, in spite of my faults, and to not abandon me this time. You give me hope, Clark. And without it, I’m afraid of what I might become.”
Lana looked up at Clark to find him struggling to maintain his composure. His eyes were filled with tears, his face flushed, and he swallowed hard. They gazed into each other’s eyes for several long minutes.
“I’m sorry, Lana. I’m sorry I was so blind to your pain. I’m so sorry I ever played any part in hurting you.” Clark pulled Lana gently into his arms, and they held one another for a few minutes that seemed like an eternity to them.
When he pulled back, he looked into her eyes lovingly, “I love you, Lana. I will always love you, no matter what.
After a few moments gazing at ach other in silence, Clark continued, “Now I want to let you in on what life has been like for Clark Kent… because, you see, Lana, we’re really not that different.
“That day that we met up in the graveyard. The reason I was there was I had just found out the truth - that I’m from another planet. I was so angry - angry at my parents for keeping it from me, angry at my biological parents for sending me away. I just felt like maybe my life was meant to be something different, that I really didn’t belong here at all, that that’s why I’d always felt like an outsider.
“When you opened up to me about how alone you always felt - it really helped me to know that normal people felt that way too. I wanted to get to know you, but your necklace…”
Lana gasped, “Oh, Clark, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, you didn’t know.
“Anyway, growing up was hard. My parents were so afraid that someone would find out about me, and take me away to experiment on me. They impressed one message upon me constantly - that I must hide my abilities, and pretend to be a normal kid. So, like you, I was out there, pretending to be someone I’m not.
“And yet, I never really could be like everyone else. I couldn’t play T-ball, or football, because my parents were afraid I might hurt someone and reveal my powers. I had to try to blend in, but I ended up just feeling like a loser. Highlight of that was being strung up as the scarecrow. But that day was also the first time I was glad to have my abilities. The meteor infected boy, Jeremy, planned to kill everyone at the homecoming dance. I was able to stop him. It felt really good to be able to use my abilities to save people.
“After that, it seemed that opportunities constantly arose to use my abilities for good. You remember when Tina Greer pretended to be Whitney, and closed you into a tomb at the cemetery? I used my newly acquired ability to see through things to find you, then broke the tomb open to save you.
“And the day of our non-date to the Radiohead Concert - when I left you, I went to save Chloe from Sean. I knew she was planning to meet with him that night.
“I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve saved you and Chloe, and sometimes other people, Lana, even Lex. It’s not easy to do it and still fly under the radar. So, yes, Lana, I have been hiding on the farm; but I’ve also tried to save the people that I care about, and have done so many, many times, often risking detection in order to do it. I’m happy to be able to help, and yet, there’s always a part of me that just wants to be normal, and experience what it’s like to be just like everyone else.”
Clark took Lana’s hand in his and gazed into her eyes. “I want to be with the girl I love, and be able to devote my whole life to her, and give her everything she deserves.”
Lana looked up at Clark with love. “Then why’d you ever push me away, Clark? I would have accepted you, I would have loved you.”
Clark lowered his eyes. “I was scared, Lana. Every time I thought about how I came here, in the meteor shower…I just felt so guilty. I felt like I killed you parents, and I was afraid you wouldn’t forgive me for that. And I felt like all those meteor infected people were only here because of me. That it was my fault they were infected, and their lives were ruined and the lives of those they injured. It was a heavy guilt I carried, Lana - it still weighs on me. I can’t seem to get away from the feeling that it is all my fault.
“I knew the death of your parents was your greatest pain - and I felt responsible for it. It’s like I caused your pain, Lana. And I guess I always looked beyond that pain, to see the person I thought you would be, if it hadn’t have been for me. It’s complicated.”
Clark sighed. Lana took his hand in hers and spoke softly. “I don’t blame you, Clark. It’s not your fault.”
Clark nodded.
“So many times, I wanted to tell you my secret, Lana. But something always changed my mind. I was afraid that knowing would put you in danger. It was a constant struggle for me, because I really wanted someone to know me - I wanted you to know me.
“You mentioned the day I died. Well, I had lost my powers when I disobeyed Jor-El, because I stayed behind to save you. I was so happy to be able to be normal and finaly be with you. We were finally able to give ourselves completely to each other. I don’t regret that, Lana, not ever.
“But without my powers, I found that I was unable to save people, the way I had become accustomed to. It was like a whole part of me was missing. I couldn’t help myself, I had to keep trying to help. So I got shot trying, and I died.
Jor-El brought me back. He said that my mission on earth was to important. But he also told me something that pained me greatly: he said that the life-force of someone I love would be exchanged for mine, to keep the balance in nature. I lived every day, afraid to love anyone, especially you, afraid that if I loved you, you would be the one. So I pulled away from you. I could tell I was losing you. You needed me to open up to you, but I couldn’t. I was so afraid.
“Lana, it took me a long time, but I finally did tell you the truth - the day of my dad’s election to the Senate.”
Lana looked at Clark strangely and shook her head negatively.
“I know, Lana, you don’t remember this, but I have to tell you the truth. Remember when I asked you to come here, and bring a scarf and gloves? Well, you came, and I took you with me to my Fortress of Solitude, in the arctic.” Clark noted the look of confusion on Lana’s face. “When you brought me the stone, during the second meteor shower - you were right, the stones were meant for me. I united them, and ended up in the arctic, where a structure was formed. It contains the knowledge from the known galaxies, collected on Krypton. My biological father can communicate with me there. Sorry, I know there’s a lot I still have to catch you up on. Just try to follow for now.
“I brought you there, to tell you everything. And I did. And you accepted me. Then I proposed to you and made you a ring. The day of the election, you accepted my proposal.”
“Clark…,” Lana said, having a hard time believing him.
“Lana, there’s more. Please, just listen.”
Lana nodded.
“When my dad won, there was a lot of commotion, with pictures and all. I lost track of you. And then you called me. You said Lex was chasing you, that somehow he knew that you knew my secret. I ran to where you were, at full speed…” Clark stopped and swallowed hard. It was still difficult for him to relive that day. His eyes filled with tears, and he squeezed Lana’s hand tightly.
“I was too late, Lana,” he said almost inaudibly. “You were hit by a bus…your body was…you were dead.” The tears fell freely down his face now.
“I was so filled with grief at losing you. I couldn’t accept it. I wanted to save you, but I couldn’t. I went to the Fortress. I begged Jor-El to change it. I told him that you didn’t deserve to pay the price for my mistakes. Your life couldn’t be exchanged for mine. I couldn’t live with that. He reluctantly told me about a crystal that could be used only once to turn back time. I didn’t hesitate for a moment. I didn’t even consider what the consequences might be for anyone else. All I knew was that I had to bring you back. You didn’t deserve to die. And I couldn’t bear to lose you, especially now that everything was finally perfect between us.
“I used the crystal, and found myself back here, at the moment you arrived with your gloves and scarf. I couldn’t believe you were really here again. I hugged you tightly. I didn’t ever want to let you go. But, suddenly, I knew that I couldn’t tell you the truth again. I had always feared that telling you would put you in danger - and it had. So I lied to you again. And you had had enough of that. I knew that I wouldn’t ever be able to be with you - but I at least took comfort in knowing you were alive.
“So, you see, Lana, I went to extremes to protect the person that I love. We’re not that different.
Something suddenly dawned on Lana, and she gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. “Oh, Clark. Your dad. He…” She began to sob. “He died in my place?” she choked out.
“No, Lana. He died in my place. And anger filled me like never before. I went out after evildoers, ready to crush them with my power, vengeance driving me. That’s why I know that I can’t ever use my abilities to kill. Because that’s what I’ll become.
Clark was silent for a few moments, re-focusing his train of thought.
“I expected you to leave me, Lana, when I continued to hide the truth from you. But you didn’t. You kept waiting for me to open up. Finally, after what happened with Simone, I decided that the only way to get you to move on and find happiness without me was to tell you the greatest lie of all. Lana, I regret to this day ever hurting you like that. I wanted you to be happy. I just never anticipated that you would run to Lex, the one who caused your death in the first place. I continued to try to protect you. I knew what a monster Lex really is, and I hated myself for pushing you into his clutches.
Clark took both of Lana’s hands in his and gazed intently into her eyes. “I never stopped loving you, Lana, not for a second. You have to know that.”
Lana just looked up into his eyes and whispered, “I know. Somehow, I always knew.”
Clark kissed her softly, then released her hands and shifted on the couch.
“Lana, when you told me what Lionel did - how he forced you to marry Lex - I became so angry. I went after Lionel, I nearly killed him. I would have, if Martian Manhunter hadn’t arrived to stop me. He said that Jor-El was using Lionel as his emissary.
“And, when you faked your death, Lana, I thought - I thought that Lex had done it. I went after him Lana, filled with rage, fully intending to kill him. It was only the appearance of the last Phantom that stopped me from doing it.
“So I’ve experienced the rage, Lana. I’ve come so close to killing, several times. But if I ever do it, I’ll be no different from those other Kryptonians, who escaped from the Phantom zone, or the ones who came in the black ship. I don’t want to be like that, Lana. Decisions of life and death are not mine to make. If I am to use my abilities to save people, then I have to save, not kill with them. If I kill, I fear the person I could become.”
Clark looked up at Lana. “So, you see, Lana, I can’t judge you. We’re not that different. We both struggle with fear, guilt, anger, and isolation. I won’t hide anything from you anymore, Lana. I’m not sure what the future holds for us, but…I hope we can face it together.”
Lana smiled up at Clark and leaned into him. “So do I, Clark. So do I.” And their lips met in a lingering kiss, the first ever with no secrets and no lies between them.
THE END
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