Why Do Some Men Have Trouble With Committment?

[BatzarroWWD]

G’day everyone. I’ve only been around this place a month or so now, but for those of you who haven’t had the chance to get to know me yet, you can call me Skip :cool:

I figured after a month and over 2000 posts in other threads, it was time for me to start one of my own. So consider this what I hope to be the first of a series which I like to lovingly call “Skippy’s Soapbox”.

I’ve been doing clerical and administrative work for a number of years now and as a result, spend a good deal of time interacting with women. They talk to me, and I certainly enjoy talking to them and one thing I seem to hear more and more these days is “You’re married, right? I’ve been seeing this guy for a while now but he doesn’t seem interested in really committing to me. Why is that? Do you know?”

So…why do some men have trouble with commitment? Well…I can’t speak for all men, however, I do have a theory which I’m sure some of you gents would definitely agree with me on.

In two words the answer in my humble opinion is: wedding day.

And its not that men are nervous about their wedding day. Sure, I’ve seen a few guys sway and lean on their Best Man as “Here Comes The Bride” fires up. But I think it goes a bit deeper than that.

Quite simply ladies, when it comes to marriage, you really need to get some better PR people to help promote it to the men – or prospective men – in your lives.

Growing up, the fondest dream of many a young girl is the day when she gets to play princess for a day, pick out that special dress and have everyone cater to them hand and foot as she becomes the center of attention among all their gathered family and friends. Not that that is always the case either. I’ve heard from a few women how when the day finally comes, everyone has their opinion on what they’d like to see as far as location, food, music, what the invitations and table linens look like and it can become quite stressful and even the bride can feel pushed aside. However, up until that day actually occurs it’s sold to the females as a chance to be in the spotlight for a day and have everyone there for you.

For men however, its very different. When it comes to marriage, men are told from a young age that, quite simply, their sole function is to get a decent looking tux, show up, and don’t do anything to embarras the bride or her family. We’re an accessory, like your bouquet ladies – plain and simple.

See where I’m going with this? Huh…huh… ;)

Call me a dreamer…call me insane…but when a guy decides to take the plunge I imagine the expectation for many is it’s going to be an equal partnership. Now, if the communication is there and you are friends, its very possible that a marriage can be just that. I’ve been married for 7 fabulous years to a gorgeous Australian who I met in a chat room and we excel at communication and really sharing our lives. So I'm here to tell you if you have any doubts about that…it is possible.

But I don’t think its unreasonable to launch the rest of your lives as a couple with an equal say in what goes on during the course of the day where you pledge your love and commitment to one another. And don’t forget ladies…it’s not just your family and friends there, its his as well. At least, I’d hope they’d be allowed to attend. If not…well, then I guess that’s a separate issue we may have to address some other time. ;)

Some men – like me – genuinely want to be involved. We want to have a real say in the music that gets played, what the invites look like, who gets invited. Not told “It’s okay dear, my mom and I will look after this. Why don’t you and the guys go out to the course for a round or two. Oh. It’s okay. If you want to hang out in the clubhouse after for a few afterwards, go ahead. We’ll be fine. Really.”

Lately, I’ve been seeing this ad for Moores mens wear and it illustrates my point perfectly. I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with the Moore’s chain (I’m in Canada btw and I’m not up on where else they have locations) but they are a chain of men’s clothing stores that specializes in suits and formal wear.

Anyway, this ad has a guy getting ready for “the big day” and is stressing a bit trying to find the right suit. The voice over goes, “While everyone’s looking at her, she’s looking at you”. Again, implying its her day, not the couple’s day. Then after he finds just the right suit and he’s checking himself out in a mirror the ad closes with a statement to the effect of (I can’t recal the exact wording) “Moores…so that you can look almost as good as she does.”

Almost…ALMOST? Hey. I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I’m sold :p

So to all the women reading this, if you are really serious about wanting the man in your life to commit and pledge themselves to you until either you or he are on their death bed, take my advise…

BETTER ADVERTISING.

Chao for now :D

[newfan]

My husband was very involved in our wedding plans..a little too involved.:lol: He helped me out ALOT...he went to all the appointments with me...did 90% of the calling and running around right up until the day before...He wanted to be a part of it and If I said for him to stay out of it he would get mad...

[luthorsmentor]

it's the what if factor. what if i agree to this and then we get a few years into it and i figure out that i'm wrong and she really wasn't the one for me, or worse, what if she figures out that i'm not all she thought i was. which is precisely why you should really, really get to know someone first. dating for a year isn't a long enough time in my opinion. i know that might sound too simple but i really believe that is what it all boils down to, that's my two cents, take it or leave it either way it's only two cents.

[Exodus2000]

i personally enjoy weddings...ive been to at least 15 in my lifetime
but as for me personally......they say that if your lucky you'll find your one true love in life....for me it hasnt happened yet.

[TMLS]

Personally I'm trying to get my fiancee to put forward our wedding date, want to get it over and done with ;)

[BatzarroWWD]

It's nice to see that so far you guys don't have any first hand experience with what I'm talking about. Maybe it has to do with the caliber of folks attracted to this place.

:D

[Ketchup]

Uhh perhaps I'm a little young to offer my opinion on this but at the moment I don't see why a couple needs a certificate to indicate that they love each other. I mean I'll probably get married eventually, but the ceremony will mean very little to me... as I said I don't need some procedure or a document to remind me I love someone.

[AshRose62]

Originally posted by Ketchup
Uhh perhaps I'm a little young to offer my opinion on this but at the moment I don't see why a couple needs a certificate to indicate that they love each other. I mean I'll probably get married eventually, but the ceremony will mean very little to me... as I said I don't need some procedure or a document to remind me I love someone.


That sounds like somehting my friend would say... I'm way too young to have an opinion on this also but that sounds about right to me.

[luthorsmentor]

Originally posted by Ketchup
Uhh perhaps I'm a little young to offer my opinion on this but at the moment I don't see why a couple needs a certificate to indicate that they love each other. I mean I'll probably get married eventually, but the ceremony will mean very little to me... as I said I don't need some procedure or a document to remind me I love someone.


that's fine and good, but while you may feel like you know that you will be with that woman for the rest of your life, until she gets that certificate she will always have doubts in her mind, no matter what she may be telling you differently.

[TMLS]

Certificate & Pre-Nup = True Love ;)

I just want to get married for the status, we've been together four years now, engaged for three - it's the next logical step in our relationship. We already live together and have done for a couple of years so it won't make that big a difference. I do think though it would give you more of a "settled down" mindset though, as it says in the post above there could always be doubts, though I'd say on both sides. It's just one less thing to worry about.

[Another-One]

I dont think anyone should marry unless they have been living with each other at least a couple of years.

As for commitment in general, for me, Im 20, so all I care about is getting paid and...well...you know. :)

[Atomic girl]

Originally posted by Another-One
I dont think anyone should marry unless they have been living with each other at least a couple of years.

As for commitment in general, for me, Im 20, so all I care about is getting paid and...well...you know. :)


As far as living together first, they have the highest divorce rate... But I believe the intent of "living together" is to see compatibility. That should happen by spending time together, and doing lots of talking. Talk about the future, talk about current events and talk about future goals and expectations you have for a spouse. Talk about finances and priorities. Talk about future children and how you want to raise them. Talk about the role your parents will play in the relationship/family. These are the areas you need compatibility in. (Just because you live with someone doesn't mean you will talk about these things, you have to make an effort.)

And after talking about these things be honest about what you can live with. Just because you and your girlfriend/boyfriend don't agree, doesn't mean that you or they are right or wrong. You might have different goals in mind. For instance, you might disagree with what to do with discretionary income. One of you might be a real homebody and want to spend the money on fixing up the house, but the other wants to travel and could care less if the house is designer perfect. Neither of you would be wrong, but this might be something that would hinder your long life together.

Men, I think, would be more apt to make a committment, if they knew that they had discussed these types of things and had a better grasp of what they thought they were getting into. There are of course men who have issues, but I think many women want men to commit too early in the relationship. And men give the wrong message if they press the physical relationship too early. Women take this as a form of committment, even if you don't. Then when they act this way, you feel pushed into less committment. Vicious circle, I know.

Now I'm sure many people could tell stories about relationships that worked out fine without all this discussion, but would discussion have hurt any of those relationships?

Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth (or more like $25 worth). Sorry to go on so long.

BTW, Another-One, I think your avi is great.

[TMLS]

We never sat down and discussed anything, you just work out those things as you go along - we've always compromised over differences, wouldn't let a disagreement get in the way of a relationship based on love (as they all should be IMHO).

But I do think you should get to know one another first. In a previous relationship, I basically moved in on our first night together (well I never went home for a month so then we formalised it!) and was engaged after 3 days. It lasted a total of 3 months, when she realised she didn't want anything serious.

Based on that, and to go back to the original title, I think it's wrong to single out why some "men" have trouble with committment - some women do too, it's a human facet. Some people just don't want anything serious, and I think fair enough but it's wrong to single out men.

[Another-One]

Originally posted by Atomic girl
BTW, Another-One, I think your avi is great.

Thanks ;)

[luthorsmentor]

Originally posted by Atomic girl
As far as living together first, they have the highest divorce rate... But I believe the intent of "living together" is to see compatibility. That should happen by spending time together, and doing lots of talking. Talk about the future, talk about current events and talk about future goals and expectations you have for a spouse. Talk about finances and priorities. Talk about future children and how you want to raise them. Talk about the role your parents will play in the relationship/family. These are the areas you need compatibility in. (Just because you live with someone doesn't mean you will talk about these things, you have to make an effort.)

And after talking about these things be honest about what you can live with. Just because you and your girlfriend/boyfriend don't agree, doesn't mean that you or they are right or wrong. You might have different goals in mind. For instance, you might disagree with what to do with discretionary income. One of you might be a real homebody and want to spend the money on fixing up the house, but the other wants to travel and could care less if the house is designer perfect. Neither of you would be wrong, but this might be something that would hinder your long life together.

Men, I think, would be more apt to make a committment, if they knew that they had discussed these types of things and had a better grasp of what they thought they were getting into. There are of course men who have issues, but I think many women want men to commit too early in the relationship. And men give the wrong message if they press the physical relationship too early. Women take this as a form of committment, even if you don't. Then when they act this way, you feel pushed into less committment. Vicious circle, I know.

Now I'm sure many people could tell stories about relationships that worked out fine without all this discussion, but would discussion have hurt any of those relationships?

Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth (or more like $25 worth). Sorry to go on so long.

BTW, Another-One, I think your avi is great.

i couldn't agree more with all that.....including the thing about the avi, it's great.

[Ireallylikethisshow]

*Doesn't want to get married, stares at all you guys talking*

[Ketchup]

^haha

[luthorsmentor]

Originally posted by Ireallylikethisshow
*Doesn't want to get married, stares at all you guys talking*


yeah, i felt the same way.....both times.

[Daphne]

No marriage, no commitment.
I know so many woman who think that living with a man means a commitment, no way, I grew up with three brothers and feel I know the male mind pretty darn well.
There is a reason for a wedding. A HUGE reason for a wedding, and it's not for the piece of paper, or for the girl to play princess. It's you and her, (you and him), saying in front of everyone, family and friends, we are committing to eachother.
Marriage can be dang hard at times, and so rewarding. I'm having my second child next week!
It's just so many people today don't see marriage as a life long thing, they see it as something to try.

Big reason why men have a hard time committing? Because woman these days let them get away with what ever they want asking for no committment. Why would you commit?

[SooperGirl]

congrats on your second Daphne! I have to say that I agree with you.

[Daphne]

Thank you! Thursday is the big day!

[STFanatic]

Almost thirteen years ago, my wife accepted my proposal of marrage, we worked hard to come up with a date, arrangements, and the plethora of details involved in such a lifetime commitment.
For weeks that evolved into months we fine-tuned the minutest details, reworked schedules and finally came to a mutual agreement.
We chucked it all and went before a judge at the courthouse and took a two week vacation.
After all the stress of the planning and all the headaches forced upon us by scheduling family, friends and general well-wishers, we had the most perfect and relaxing honeymoon. Better than either of us had dreamed of having.
We loaded up our motorcycles (I pulled a trailer with the luggage) and spent two weeks just roaming around the southern states.
Some of our family members weren't too happy, but it was our wedding, and they got to keep thier presents.

Besides, we were both in our thirties, my only marrage and her second. Now, we are nearing the big 5-0 in age and (Honestly, cross my heart) we have not had even one real fight since we gave up on all the afore mentioned plans.

[Smallville_Angel]

Hmmm, rather dramatic generalisation there Daphne - it all but suggests that woman allow men to treat them as door mats (and so we've plunged back into the dark ages).

I'll admit I've never been in a serious relationship, but the mere minute a friend begins treating me as a door mat, my Lois Lane streak flares and I boot them out the door. I'm smart enough to know that obviously when you're in love, it is not so easy, but I'll be damned if I allowed my partner to get away with blue murder and not have the least bit of commitment to me and our relationship as a whole - no commitment is pointless. You see, a male would have to be committed to last the distance in my books: committed to understanding my values, morals and ethics (dare I say including NO sex before marriage, and it takes commitment for most males to be willing to abstain until such a time when the life long commitment of marriahe has been made), committed to family and friends (without such strong family and friend bonds I feel than any male may well struggle to form a bond with my own friends and family, which is paramount before I'd even consider marriage).

And yes, it may well sound conservative but to me, there is no greater commitment than marriage: standing before family and friends and pledging your undying love for another (personally, I will go so far to say regardless of their sexuality) and committing to another for eternity (yes, I understand that over 50% or all marriages end in divorce - a sad statistical fact, but I'm still very much for working issues out, unless the marriage is far beyond repair). It's not necessarily about the ring or the certificate, although being old-fashioned in that way, I'll opt for both, but rather about saying that you are willing to give your all to another. Nowadays, I do believe it may perhaps to be to also include a promise to give your all to any offspring produced, but that's purely a matter of personal opinion.

[Nospam]

I was married almost right out of the gate at 21 :) ...and divorced shortly thereafter. :(

I've never had a problem with committment, and most sane, well adjusted men don't either. I suggest that if a man is not willing to commit it's because he feels he is not with the right person and simply going through the motions in the relationship, although there are likely many, many answers to this question.

If you want to an answer as to why men stray, that's easy: He no longer receives the love and companionship he needs. I've seen so many relationships, both on the part of the man and the woman, where everything else is more important than your partner -- your job, the kids, your friends, the pets, a hobby, the television, a book, cooking dinner -- anything that will apparently save you from actually providing the love and support you pledged to your partner at the altar.