SLAPSTICK Fan Fics (Humor!) Rated G - PG-13

[ajfinn]

Originally posted by thmallville
Hey ajfinn, is there gonna be a third part to the Wizard of El story? Cuz that is one of my favorites, it's so funny!

OH SORRY!!! Just saw this question!!!!

Yes, I'll write it eventually, when I'm stuck on what to do with *HOT* Off the Press. :D

Glad Wizard is one of your favs!! Thanks!

ADDITION:

Oh, LuvClana!! What would I do without you?!?! You really make me smile :D :D

I loved the first one the most, because it was almost as silly as what really happened on Smallville. Lame Clark!

[SmallvilleMan]

After seeing Hypnotic and this thread, I KNEW WHAT HAD TO BE DONE!

*The Funny, Part 4 *

Clark put in the video tape of Hypnotic as Lana sat on the couch. He put it in, then joined her on the couch. "Are you ready?" Lana took a deep breath and nodded, she knew it was going to be hard.

"I guess so, but just remember, we have to keep our tempers intact. Especially." Lana emphasized him.

"I'll try, but from what I've heard and seen, it might not be easy." Clark warned her.

"Let's just watch for now." Lana and Clark turn to the T.V., it's showing the two scientist. Then Fine comes in, killing them and taking some blood.

"I liked him better as Spike in Buffy." Clark said.

"Yeah, me too, but he does do the evil thing pretty good." Lana pointed out.

"That he does." Clark agreed, after commercials, they see themselves in the Talon. Lana and Clark laugh.

"Yeah, we do suck at dancing Clark." Lana acknowledged.

"No, that's just you." Clark replied as Lana looked at him with her mouth open.

"And you're better?" Lana asked, folding her arms.

"Off course I am, I did go to a club every night during the summer 3 years ago. I didn't just stand around." Clark told her. Lana just rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the T.V. Clark and Lana finish their T.V. conversation.

“Wow, I’m in shock.” Clark turned to Lana confused.

“Why?” Lana looked at Clark wide-eyed.

“Clark Kent turned down sex. You know there’s first in this world, but that? I never thought I’d see the day.” Lana gave him a smirk.

“What? I’ve turned down sex before.” Clark said

“Yeah? Like when?” Lana asked, putting her hands on her hips.

“Like the time…..Or when I…..Or when you…..Fine.” Clark stumbled trying to find a reason before giving up.

“That’s right and can’t believe that anyone would think that is believable.” Lana told him, then they see Clark and Simone kissing.

“They really did have to hypnotize me, because going from you to her was no easy task. I remember showing up a couple times after the show.” Clark admitted, then they see Lois ask what Clark is doing.

“Isn’t it obvious Lois? He’s kissing another girl and she says your slow.” Lana said as Clark nodded.

“Yep, she really isn’t that bright.” Clark said, then they saw Lex and Lana talking.

“I like seeing Lex.” Lana said and Clark quickly turned to her in shock.

“What? Why?” Clark wanted to know.

“Because I see myself off his bald head, so that way I can fix my makeup or hair. Why do you think I like seeing him? It isn’t to hear all the bs he tells me. “Oh Lana, I just want to protect you or Lana I care about you”. Yeah Lex, that must be why you tried to steal the stole from me, idiot.” Lana was getting upset, Clark wrapped his arm around her. Clark and Simone are on T.V. in the Kent house, Clark shows her his powers. Then they see Chloe and Lois talking in Metropolis.

“At least Chloe knows it wasn’t me.” Clark said proudly.

“Yeah, she’s such a good friend to you, but to me….” Lana trailed off.

“Why isn’t she a good friend to you?” Clark asked.

“Well, she can’t even tell me I died and let’s be honest here, she still loves you.” Lana explained.

“Okay, that’s true, but she isn’t that bad.” Clark defended here.

“Oh, I still like her, but it’s annoying sometimes, because I need to know that I was killed.” Lana said. The T.V. was showing Clark and Simone making out on the couch. Clark already called Lana.

“I can’t watch this, it’s bad enough I had to live it.” Clark said disgusted.

“Me neither, she’s such a tramp.” Lana agreed.

“I know and she lips aren’t even close to as good as yours.” Clark pauses to kiss Lana. “Then her skin is dry and yours is so smooth.” He pauses to kiss her neck. “She’s horrible.” Clark kisses Lana passionately and they end up doing exactly what Simone and Clark are doing on T.V. Lana stops, when she see’s herself walk in and see what Clark and Simone are doing. Lana on T.V. walks away crying, Clark chases after her tells her it’s over and Lana ends up crying laying against the barn.

“That sucked.” Lana started to sniffle up.

“Sorry, it was just as hard on me. You know how many times we had to run that scene, because I had to say I loved someone else? It took me at least 30 takes to say, I’m surprised you could cried that many times.” Clark admitted.

“It wasn’t hard, seeing you with that girl killed me. I almost threw up too.” Lana said. The next scene is Lex and Fine, talking about the spaceship and who Fine is.

“I can’t believe Lex thinks he works for the government.” Clark shook his head.

“Lex is an idiot, he’s suppose to be smart, but he isn’t. Must be all those times he’s gotten shot.” Lana said.

“Must be.” Clark answered. Chloe and Clark are now talking.

“Finally, at least someone knows what’s going on here.” Lana said frustrated.

“You didn’t know.” Clark told her.

“Because I was too emotionally drained to figure it out, dummy.” Lana hit Clark’s head.

“Sorry.” Chloe is taking Simone’s ID.

“I wonder how many Ids Chloe has stolen?” Clark wondered.

“About twenty.” Lana said. They then see Chloe and Lois figure out who Simone is as well as what she did. Simone then talks to Lex.

“Off course Lex set this up.” Clark rolled his eyes. Clark and Simone are getting ready to leave for California, when Lois gets in their way. Clark knocks Lois out.

“You don’t know how happy I was to get to do that.” Clark grinned.

“I think I do.” Lana nodded her head. Martha came in next, got hypnotized. Clark and Simone left, Lois woke up to see Martha holding a gun in her face. Chloe then knocked Martha out.

“I couldn’t believe she did that.” Clark looked shocked at the T.V.

“She had to Clark.” Lana told him.

“But that’s my mom, the sweetest lady on the earth.” Clark realized. “Second sweetest, I mean.” Clark gave Lana a big smile and she rolled her eyes. The scene is now at the mansion, Clark is throwing Lex around. Lex tells Clark he has these powers because he’s under Simone’s spell.

“Biggest idiot ever! He doesn’t even know your secret, despite all the times you’ve beaten the crap out of him. I don’t get it, he’s suppose to be an evil genius or at the very least smart.” Lana scoffed at Lex.

“I know, what do I have to spell it out for him?” Clark threw up his hands.

“No kidding, he hits you with his car at 60mph and still doesn’t know.” Lana shook her head. The next scene is Chloe and Clark talking.

“Yes Chloe, I understand it’s over. You don’t need to keep telling me, geez.” Clark said.

“Not her fault you’re a BDA.” Lana told him.

“I am not!” Clark turned to her.

“Yes you are, don’t make me show you season four again.” Lana warned him. Then they see Clark and Lana talking in the loft.

“I can’t believe I said that. That scene took about 50 takes, I couldn’t say it.” Clark confessed.

“That scene sucked too, I hated it. I mean honestly, why would I ever believe you didn’t love me? I’ve been saying over and over again how I can always tell your lying. Now all of a sudden I can’t?” Lana said annoyed.

“Tell me about it, then you have me over there, trying to protect you again. Forgetting that pushing you away only leads you to go to Lex and think I’m a jerk for the rest of our lives. What was I thinking? You know me and Miles argued at least for 5 hours on this scene. I was so pissed, I hate how stupid they make me.” Clark said.

“You too? I talked to Al for just as long. They mess around with me all the time, I hate it.” Lana told him.

“Now we’re broken up…..Just great….” Clark sighed.

“Don’t worry honey, that just means we’ll want to get home as fast as we came.” Lana winked to him and Clark smiled. Then Lex and Lana were shown talking.
“I hate Lex, I’m glad I beat the crap out of him earlier.” Clark says.

“Here comes with more bs, acting like he can actually get something for it.” Lana rolled her eyes.

“I want to use his head to shine my shirts.” Clark smirked. Then finally, the last scene with Clark and Martha.

“What! Now they’re changing Mrs. Kent’s character? She would never say that?” Lana yelled.

“I know, my mom was very upset when she saw the script for that. Lucky for them, they decided to give her a bonus the same day.” Clark explained.

“Yeah, we’re just another adult relationship. She talks like we just met a week ago and haven’t been in love with each other for five years now.” Lana shook her head in anger

“It’s stupid, here’s Jonathon when we need him?” Clark asked.

“I wish I knew.” The show then ended, Lana ran up to the tape. “Clark, you know what to do with this.” Lana said handing him the tape.

“Off course I do.” Clark used his heat vision to turn the tape into ashes.

“Now, I believe we have the rest of the night f…...” Lana said seductively, before Clark picked her up and superspeeded the to the bedroom.

[SVsleuth]

HA! I just posted a "WHERE IS IT?" in the Clubhouse! HERE it is! Off to read!

Thanks for the laughs, SVM!

These are my favorite parts:

Clark knocks Lois out.

“You don’t know how happy I was to get to do that.” Clark grinned.
:lol: LOL - go Clark!

The show then ended, Lana ran up to the tape. “Clark, you know what to do with this.” Lana said handing him the tape.

“Off course I do.” Clark used his heat vision to turn the tape into ashes.
Can Clark come burn mine too??

(P.S. - SVM, her name was Simone)

[SmallvilleMan]

:eek: Whoops, why did i think her name was that? Must have been so mad i forget her name... Oh well

[basketballstar23]

Lex: I like pink fluffy bunnies! -rips of bunnies head- Ha, right! April Fool's you rodent!!!

hahahahaha!!!:rotfl: i am seriously cracking up about this part......its HILARIOUS!!!!:lol: :rotfl: :lol: :rotfl: :lol: :rotfl: :lol:

[redraven]

Omg that April Fools stuff was funny!:lol: :lol: :lol:

[ajfinn]

Good one SVM!

[thmallville]

hee hee hee all on this page ROCKED!!! I especially loved the April Fools one..... "replaced her small intestine with barbed wire" hahahhahaha I was alughing REALLY hard at that......

Hey should I make a Part II to Lanapunzel?

[LuvClana]

YES! We need more Lanpunzel!!!

Thanks :D

Oh my gosh, I didn't see hypnotic but I was basically filled in on everything that happened and theat made me feel a whole lot better :D It was funny!

[thmallville]

“Let it all hang loose, let it lift you high. Shake that body, let your…” sang Clarking as he and Lanapunzel walked through the magical enchanted forest. Just then, a robin fell from the tree, dead. “Wow. That’s weird.” said Lanapunzel, too enchanted by the way Clarking’s mahogany locks caught the setting sun’s rays to notice how bad his singing was, or to care about the poor woodland animal.

“Hey baby I’ll give you a lift. Let it all hang loose, let it lift you high…” continued Clarking a few minutes later. The two were walking by a quaint little cottage, when suddenly all its windows shattered, letting out a cloud that smelled like Pine-Sol. This was obviously because of Clarking’s voice. Lanapunzel was too enraptured by his golden skin to notice, again. The woman who lived in the Pine-Sol scented house came running out, rippin mad.

“Look what you did to my house!!” she cried, throwing her mop at Clarking. The blow would have broken his nose, but he was Kryptonian so the broom snapped in half. “Look what you did to my broom!!!!!” screeched the dumpy-looking woman. “Clarking, however did you do that?” asked Lanapunzel. She was completely amazed. “I…uhh… have armor underneath my skin?” said Clarking nervously. “Oh, of course! Why didn’t I think of that?” replied Lanapunzel. “*cough* I’m still here!!!! What do you plan on doing about my house, Mister?!” said the woman nastily. “Umm…… here! I forgot I had a bottle of Pine-Sol in my wagon… but you can have it!” said Clarking, hoping the peace offering would be enough. “PINE-SOL, BABY!” said the woman enthusiastically as she skipped back into her decrepit house.

Clarking cleared his throat. “Shake that body, let your spirit fly! Hey baby I’ll give you a lift.” he sang. Lanapunzel finally noticed-slightly- how bad his singing was.

“Honey, would you mind singing something else? Or not singing at all?” she said. “OK, how about….. erm….. The Simpsons? I’ve always admired Marge’s blue hair. The Simpsoooooons” answered/offered/sang Clarking. “Umm…. How bout not singing at all?” said Lanapunzel, hiding her annoyment that he was not mentioning anything about her pink dress. Clarking sighed. “Okay.” he agreed sullenly.

The sun had set. Clarking and Lanapunzel had found themselves in a magical- enchanted-forest-turned-scary-maniacal-forest at night. An owl hooted and Lanapunzel jumped. “Eek!” she yelped, jumping in Clarking’s arms. Clarking promptly dropped her on the dirt ground when he remembered that he had no more heat-n-eat bacon.

“OW!” cried Lanapunzel, rubbing her sore posterior. “What the- I mean, darling, whatever would possess you to do that?” she asked sweetly. “I… the bacon…. no more….. can’t go on…….. need….” Clarking collapsed in a dead faint.

Lanapunzel tried and tried to wake him up, but the prospect of having no more bacon is enough to knock out any man, including a Kryptonian like Clarking, for a few hours at least. Another owl hooted, and then a wolf howled. Lanapunzel decided right then and there that she was GOING to get out of that forest, no matter what.

“Eugh!” Lanapunzel grunted as she picked up the drooling Clarking and hoisted his bulky weight onto her shoulders. The horses had seemingly disappeared after they had entered the forest, by the way.

“HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!” cried Chloe’s ghost, which popped out of nowhere. Dun dun dunnnnnn (dramatic music) Lanapunzel squeaked and dropped the handsome Clarking. “Wha- what do you want?” she asked bravely. “Give meeeee the Clarking!” cried Chloe, reaching out her grubby little fingers. “Never!” cried Lanapunzel, setting off at full speed through the forest. Chloe would have followed, but she got caught in a spider web and faded into the swirling mist. Her ghostliness had disappeared, but her crazed laughter lingered. Lanapunzel made it out of the forest and collapsed under the weight of Clarking and his over-processed hair.

Some random amount of time later, Lanapunzel woke up because of a large stick poking into her back. “Owwwwwwww.” she groaned, getting up. “Clarking?” she asked, looking around for the missing prince. Suddenly, like magic, Clarking appeared out of nowhere- well, actually, from between two trees.

“Wow! How’d you get here so fast?” asked Lanapunzel. “I…um….. uh… it was the adrenaline.” answered Prince Clarking, munching on a piece of bacon he had gotten from Ye Olde Quik Marte. “Oh, OK. That makes sense!” said Lanapunzel. The two continued walking until they reached a little town, called Kryptonville. Everything was lime green and sparkly, which made Lanapunzel giggle with joy, as green was her second favorite color.

“I wanted to show you a store!” said Prince Clarking as he ran his hands through his ramen-crunchy-hair. “OK!” replied the gleeful Lanapunzel. Clarking led the princess to a little store called Dat Junk Shop. “Ummm….. Clarking? Why are we here?” Lanapunzel said after tripping over her third pimp cup. “Hold on.” said Clarking, walking farther and farther into the store.

“Pimptastic Master Clarking!” cried one of the gangstas sitting in an overstuffed floral chair. “Dawg!” cried Clarking, giving the dude a manly handshake hug thing. “Who’s the girl?” asked the gangsta/dude/pimp. “Well, Leonard, this is Lanapunzel. Lanapunzel, this is Leonard. But he prefers to be called Ghetto Fabulous L. Large.”

(note: my friend and I were on playerappreciate.com a few days ago and we thought the names were too funny to not include in everything we do…)

“Umm…. how do you do?” asked Lanapunzel timidly, extending a tiny manicured hand. Leonard ignored her friendly gesture and said “Clarking, I got your stuff right here… but what about the girl?” “Oh, um, Lanapunzel, would you mind picking me up a coke at Ye Olde Quik Marte? I’m pretty hardcore dehydrated.” said Clarking. Lanapunzel noticed that he had started to sweat nervously. “Sure.” said Lanapunzel, and she skipped off.

“Here we are!” said Ghetto Fabulous L. Large, holding up the shiny little ring. “Thank you so much!” cried Prince Clarking. He paid for the ring and walked out of the store and into Ye Olde Quik Marte to meet Lanapunzel there.

“Hey honey, did you want diet or regular?” asked Lanapunzel, holding up the two frosty bottles.

Clarking didn’t answer. Instead, he said:

“Lanapunzel, will you marry me?”

[redraven]

:lol: That was funny!!

Hope you write more soon! That was hilarious, Ghetto Fabulous L. Large!! :lol:

[redraven]

I'm really irritated about this whole Lexana thing so I decided to write this...and if any of you actually like Lex than sorry...


It is the day after Fragile happened...

Lex was walking down the street 'accidentally' ran into lana at the Talon because he was 'definitely' not stalking her.

"Lana." Lex waved.

'Oh god.' Lana thought. "Hi, Lex." She sighed, very loudly.

"Hi. What are you doing here?"

"I don't know maybe I work here."

"Really? Since when?"

"I've been working here for a long time Lex...I own half of the place...and you own the other half..."

"Huh? Since when? I don't have business arrangements with Asians..." Lex told her casually.

Lana's mouth dropped open. "You know what you are Lex?"

"A sexy beast?" Lex asked.

"Nope, that's me." Clark answered, just passing through. He sat down soon after that.

"Yes that's him." Lana she pointed to Clark. "Anyway...you are...you are a...a jerk!"

Everyone in the entire room gasped with horror.

"Shut up potty mouth! There's children here!" A random man yelled.

"Well, excuse me! He is a you-know-what!" Lana shouted back.

Lex scoffed and immediately changed his attitude. "Hey Lana I love your purple shirt, where'd ya get it?"

"Uh...not Helen Bryce or anything...I didn't rob her hairstyle yesterday when you kissed me either..."

"Whatever, girlfriend."

"Girlfriend? GIRLFRIEND?!" Lana took a beer can and smashed it into her forehead. "Only Clark, my one true love that I slept with can call me that!"

Lex gasped. "You're the new village bicycle! Oh well, sloppy seconds is good enough for me! Come on bike, let's go!"

"Oh no you didn't!" Lana yelled. She smashed another beer can into her head and did an idiotic spin kick that hit nothing before spitting in Lex's face and running away.

"Aw hell naw!" Lex screamed. He ran after Lana until a little girl on her tricyle ran into Lex. She started crying and hit Lex where the sun don't shine. Then she threw her vanilla ice cream onto his bald head.

Lex shreiked and wiped it off.

"Hey look! It's mister Clean!" A passerby shouted.

"I am not Mr. Clean!"

"But I wanted a discount on cleaning products!" The passerby whined.

"Go away!"

"I hate phonies!" The passerby took a chain saw out of her pocket and chased Lex with it. When Lex was running across the street a minivan hit him and the woman with the chain saw. Lex was laying in the middle of the street, mouth wide open when a bird pooped right above him. (You should know where it landed ;))

Lex stood up wandering what the disgusting taste in his mouth was. Soon, a freight train that was going at super speed ran off the tracks at Metropolis and went through the Talon and hit him.

"PARTY TIME!!!" Clark yelled. He popped open the champagne when Lana came out of now where and knocked it out of his hand and dragged him to the top of her apartment where they made up for days...under the covers...

[clarkandlana2]

OMFG THAT WAS HILARIOUS SANDRA!!!
I WAS ROTFLMAO!!!!

[*~KrYpToN619~*]

OMG! :rotfl: :lol: :rotfl: That was really funny! I can't stop laughing :lol:

[clarkandlana2]

i really needed to read that
it put me in the mood to write....almost :(

[*~KrYpToN619~*]

Omg, i just noticed that under the covers part :lol:

[clarkandlana2]

*gasp* how could you miss that???
that was the best part!!!!

[LuvClana]

haha that was soo funny!

[SpeedyKate91]

That was so funny!!!!!!!!!!

[Cardinal]

Okay, first a disclaimer. I have no idea how funny this might be.

Second, this was something born from a discussion two people had about how bad "Fragile" might be and also, how good Tom Welling might be as a director.

If this sucks, blame SVsleuth, :D :p turning this into a Slapstick fic was her idea.

--------------------

Fragile

Lana and Lex kiss, but as soon as Lana’s lips touch Lex’s, she takes off, leaving Lex to wonder, What just happened here?

Suddenly, from off-camera, came the familiar voice of Clark Kent, here to save the world from the perversion that is Lexana…but no! It’s not Clark, it’s his alter-ego, Tom Welling.

“Cut! Cut, cut, cut!” Tom yelled, as he stepped into the shot while waving his hands.

“What’s wrong, Tom?” Michael Rosenbaum asked. “Do Kristin and I need to work on that kiss some more?” Please say yes, Tom. I paid you enough for at least ten kisses today.

"Jeez, Rosenbaum,” Tom replied, “you've been whining about getting a chance to make out on camera with Kristin for four and a half years! I'd think you would put a little more passion into it than that!"

Turning to Kristin Kreuk, Tom said, "I know he's not me, Kris, but you'll have to put up with ‘limp-lips’ over there for the foreseeable future. Al/Miles are determined to kill the show this year instead of next year, so they can work full-time on the sucky new Aquaman series.”

“Hey,” Michael said, “watch who you’re calling ‘limp-lips.’ Just because I don’t get regular collagen injections to keep my lips kissably soft, doesn’t mean you should be making fun of me.” Turning to Kristin, Michael continued, “I bet if you peel open Tom’s mouth, tattooed on the inside of his lower lip will be the words ‘Please inflate to 35 pounds per square inch.’” Placing his hands on his hips, Rosenbaum added, “What kind of man gets collagen injections anyway?”

Kristin finally decided to step in, saying, “Be a good boy and shut up, Michael, you’re better seen, not heard.” When Michael’s eyes and mouth shot open in surprise, Kristin said, “Tom doesn’t get the shots because he wants them, he gets them because they’re in my contract. Do you honestly believe I’m going to spend that much time kissing a man who doesn’t have primo ‘kiss cushions?’ Besides, that extra benefit is the only way we could get Tom’s wife to agree to all of the Clana kissing for the past four-plus years. After all, once Tom goes home, those new-and-improved lips belong to her.”

“Now,” Tom said, “step aside, Michael, and let the pros show you what a lip-lock on Smallville is supposed to look like.”

The ‘hos is more like it, Michael thought darkly.

Tom shouldered Michael out of the way and, with absolutely no preparation, he and Kristin cranked out yet another memorable Clana kiss as if they were just mindless assembly line workers instead of the master craftspeople they so plainly were.

While Michael was busy thinking, Why didn’t my kiss with Kristin feel like that one looked?, Kristin was busy whispering in Tom’s ear.

Once she pulled back, Tom said, “That’s an excellent idea, Kris. We’ve got to have at least one Clana kiss in this show to make up for the Lexana…and yes, I know, that will be tough to explain to Al/Miles since those morons just destroyed romantic Clana in 'Hypnotic.'"

Rubbing his chin with one hand while he thought, Tom finally got an idea, “I know! We’ll say everything from the start of ‘Hypnotic’ until the end of 'Fragile' was nothing but a bad dream, which Lana will wake up from at the end of this episode, as her Prince Charming…that’s Clark, not Lex, Michael…kisses her as she finds herself by his side in her bed.”

Excited by his own genius, Tom said to himself, “Man! Not only can I direct, but I have a career ahead of me as a script doctor.” Then, out loud, “Okay everyone, listen up. Change of plans. We’re going to the ‘Lana’s bedroom’ set…”

My all-time favorite set, Michael groused, but one I never get to be in.

“…and shoot an unscripted scene. Hurry! We can save this episode yet…”

[akuma]

LOL, nice job Card! And IT WAS FUNNY!!:D Dont worry, u do humor quite well, and YAY for Tom' s awesome directing!

[SpeedyKate91]

That was good and funny!!!!

[Kal-El & Me]

LOL!

[SVsleuth]

Yay! You made the idea into a cute little slapstick! Okay, so Card said if it sucks to blame me. But I'll say, if it doesn't suck, THANK me. ;)
Great job, Card. - as always. LOL

[happycamper]

Thank you, Esvie. It was great! :D :D

Oh, and thanks to the author, too.


My only fear is that it would be compared to that awful Dallas show... ;)

[MOOman0618]

HA!! :lol:

[happycamper]

I decided to take a little break from my current story, and finally decided to watch my tape of "Oracle".

I was actually surprised at its quality. Other than the very unhappy Clana, and the incipient Lexana **spit**, I found myself liking what was happening on the show.

Almost all of the show has passed exactly as it occurred: Lex and Fine had their confrontation in the library, with Lex discovering Fine was an alien construction; Clark was able to resist killing Lionel, and Lionel destroyed another aspect of Fine; and, of course, the confrontation between Clark and Lana. But in this story, Lana immediately speeds off to the Metropolis lab, hoping to find Lex, and Clark confers with Lionel and Chloe, with the three also deciding to confront Fine and Lex at the lab.

But some previously hidden, almost evil aspect of my mind thought of what might have happened if this were actually the last show of the season...and things had gone just a little bit differently at its end. Hence, the following:


Oops!


“Impressive,” Fine admitted as he admired the lab, “it looks like I underestimated your willingness to tackle a non-profit venture.”

“Well, LuthorCorp doesn’t take the threat of an alien Armegeddon lightly,” Lex responded with bitterness. “You were never going to produce a vaccine for humans, were you?”

“It’s not what you think,” Fine responded. Hearing a slight scurrying, he called out, “you can join us Ms. Lang.”

“Lana, what are you doing here,” an anguished Lex asked.

“Lex, I had to find you, I didn’t even think about any danger,” the beauty replied.

“Well Ms. Lang, Lana, why don’t join our little party.”

“Tell me the truth,” Lana demanded, “who are you, and why are you doing this?”

“Gladly Lana, there can be no more lies between us,” the alien replied. “Lex and I have been conspiring to control the world, except that Lex has tried to double-cross me, as I knew he would. But I double-crossed him, and emerged the victor, mwa mwa.”

“Huh,what was that,” both Lex and Lana asked.

“I have searched the world for someone who was both evil and paranoid, and powerful enough to rule the world. But he was close by all the time, even a confederate of Kal-El, that miserable scion of Krypton. It is you, Lex, that I have chosen as the vessel the apocalypse! Mu. Ha ha. Mwa.”

“Quit wasting time by bragging, and get on with whatever evil you’re planning,” Lex complained. “And what is that silly noise you’re making, it sounds like you’re torturing a cat!”

“You misunderstand me once again, Lex. I have become a fan of your literature here on this miserable planet, and am intrigued by your human concept of a supervillain. I have taken to that role, and the supervillain code requires me to waste time bragging about my evil plans in full! And that is exactly what I intend to do! Mu ha...muuuhaaawaaa! There, that’s it!

Lex, you will become the vessel for my ignoble master, Zod. You will share your body with him, and the amalgam will rule this puny world of yours. Don’t worry Lex, Zod will be in control, but you will always be there in the background of his mind, able to observe all that he accomplishes, as he rules the world in your name. And you Lana, are the ideal of Kryptonian beauty. You will always remain with the new Lex, as his TOY!”

“How evil,” both Lex and Lana breathed out.

“Yes, am I not a real supervillain come to life? Muuuuhaaaaawaaa!” As he finished loading the injector, he turned to Lex, and told him, “just one shot, and after a 30 minute sleep, this planet will have it’s new ruler! Mwa mwa...muuuhaaawaaa!”

Meanwhile, Clark had been hearing Fine’s evil bragging as he entered the lab, and sped away from Lionel and Chloe to intervene, as he knew he must! He blew into the lab and hit Fine from behind, just as Lana stepped in front of Lex!

The resulting collison knocked Lex out, of course. But the eyes of the remaining three were focused on the empty vial, and the red spot that marked it’s entry into Lana’s arm.

Although a violation of all the supervillain code held dear, all Fine could manage was, “Oops!” as Lana fell into that false, temporary slumber.

Enraged, the last scion blasted Fine first with his his taunt, "don't you know that the final entry in the supervillain code is that they always fail in the end," and then with his most powerful heat vision.

Fine, fatally weakened by the loss of two of his avatars, dissolved into a final nothingness, with a final despairing cry of, "I'm melting!"

Lionel and Chloe finally reached the lab as Fine dissolved. Clark turned to them, explaining what he had heard, and how Lana had received the injection instead. “Jar-El, father, what can I do?”

“It is too late, my son. They will merge. Zod will be trapped forever within that vessel. But there is something you can do to minimize the damage and danger...” Jar-El went on to explain what Clark must do, with only the sound of raucous female laughter interrupting from time to time.

Blushing, Clark told his companions, “I can’t do that.”

“You must, my son, it is the only way to ensure the safety of this planet and it people.”

“Yes Clark, it’s your destiny,” Chloe added with amused laughter.

Clark sped off to drop Lex in the emergency ward of Metropolitan general, as Lionel and Chloe completed their preparations. Clark returned to find the vessel strapped down to a slab, angled to make her almost upright. The three awaited the arrival of the greatest villain in Kryptonian history.

The vessel began to stir, as Zod awoke and realized his minion had been successful!

He opened his eyes to find three unexpected faces.

“What is this,” a bass rasped, the voice box unused to the depth of the tone. Zod broke his bindings and stood upright. “Where is my tool, I must reward his loyalty” the bass voice demand, to be met with smiles from the two males, and wild laughter from the earthling female. “Kneel before your master, scion of Krypton, and you, too, earthlings, to acknowledge and worship your new ruler.”

The amusement from the three warned him that all was not well, even before the earthling female had told him snarkily, “I predict it will be YOU, Zod, who will be kneeling in worship of your master, and quite often, too,” with even more wild laughter.

Finally realizing the nature of the new vessel, Zod was literally not amused. “Oops,” he finally managed. And as Clark began to advance on him, Zod was beginning to regret the whole plan. “What are you doing, get away from me,” Zod bellowed, as Clark slung the familiar vessel over his shoulder.

Both duty and his destiny called, so Clark carried her into an attached break room, resigned to do what he must.

Lionel and Chloe just smiled, as the masculine bellows of surprise and outrage gradually turned to feminine cries of compliance and delight.

“We all do what we must,” they both said with more raucous laughter.


:)



**edit

Per aj's hint, final Zoe is actually Chloe...:(

[Nemu]

lol ok that was funny as hell Hapycamper... sick and a little hard to picture Zod in Lana but funny as hell anyway...

[ajfinn]

Oh, you are one silly boy, Happycamper ...... did you mean to call Chloe, Zoe at the end?? hee hee.

[happycamper]

Originally posted by ajfinn
did you mean to call Chloe, Zoe at the end?? hee hee.
Of course you were right, aj. I guess I had too much Zod on the brain...:(



As a paean to the writing Goddess of the the Clana forum, I've included an excerpt concerning her from "Geek Love!" (mostly, because I have never gotten any indication that she had seen it...:( )


Originally posted by happycamper
A still bemused Clark arrived a few minutes late to class because of the commotion, and got a belated introduction to the new teacher, Ms. Finn. She had started to lecture him about being late to English, telling him that he would never amount to anything unless he could learn to write properly. Fortunately, he had been saved by a few of his classmates, who volunteered information about the incident in the halls. He had never been so happy to sit forgotten through almost an hour of English class.

After the bell rang to signal lunch, Ms. Finn had called out, “Oh Mr. Kent, a word please, before you leave.”

Approaching her, a wary Clark noticed that she was real pretty for an older woman, but kind of...scary, almost.

“Now Clark, we can forget about what happened today; saving a girl is sufficient excuse for one tardy. But let me make it clear: don’t let it happen again, or I’ll have to lock you in a closet or something as punishment. OK?”

Looking closely at his English teacher, a concerned Clark could only nod. There was something about her - and her observation of him - that really made him uncomfortable. Seeing her stand up to escort him out of the class, Clark was relieved to see that they’d be getting a substitute teacher in a few months. “I really hope it’s Mrs. Finn and not Miss,” he couldn’t help thinking to himself.

[superman_lives_on]

This thread hasn't received any new slapstick stories in a while. Any ideas, guys? Let's fight back with some HUMOR! :D

[SmallvilleMan]

I have no fight left at all......... And the funny was murdered brutally by al/miles..... But the ratings have the last laugh:D

[thmallville]

Even though Clana was brutally tortured and killed slowly by the evilness of Al/Miles, I still love Clana because it LIVES OOOOON in these threads. So SOMEONE needs to write a slapstick clana quick because I'm out of idead and I MISS CLANA

[LuvClana]

Why the Hell is Lana SO oblivious?

"Welcome to the Dating Show! Today, our lovely Bacherlorette will chose from three men, who's faces she cannot see, to go out with. She will ask them a series of questions before she makes her decision. Let's bring out the lovely lady, Miss Lana Lang!"

Lana walks out, all smiles, dressed in all black...again.

The annoncer leans over to the Producer and whispers "What's with the black. She's gone from a pink stick of cotton candy to a walking bilboard for death..."

Lana sits in her stool. "I'm ready to meet the bachelors."

"Alllllriiughty then!" The announcer continues. "We have three lovely men for you today. Go ahead and start!"

Lana smiles. "Bachelor number one."

"Yes?" Lex responds from behind a curtain.

Lana continues. "What would you say before you asked me out?"

"Well...I'd transfix you with one of my philisophical quotes such as...Kiss your enemies, if they are politicians. If not, eat a bologna sandwhich. Of course, as usual, everything I say will be a lie" Lex says.

"How flattering!" Lana exclaims. "Okay, Bachelor number two? Where would you take me on our first date?"

"Wel..." Clark begins. "Since I'd be genuinly in love with you, I'd take you my fortress of solitude. Profess love to you and tell you my deepest darkest secret. Of course the meal would be the best and I'd have nothing but you on my mind."

Lana seems unimpressed. "Oh...let's move on. Bachelor number 3?"

"Yes?" responds Whitney.

"What is your favorite hobby or activity?"

"Well..probably football. I have no brains so I play ball. Either that or combing my hair....or checking out the guys in the locker room...-cough- I mean...yea..."

"How lovely!" Lana says. "Bachelor number 1? What would our future be like?"

"of course, we'd be very wealthy. But, I'd always have people trying to murder me...and I'll eventually hire someone to kill you. And...lies...and more lies...oh yea, and an heir, so I can make another me....and then I'd lie some more."

"I'm breathtaken! Bachelor number 2? What do you do in your spare time?"

"I save people. I put everyone else before myself. I sacrifice all of my time to ensure others happiness. Either that, or loving you -fashes Kent smile even though Lana can't see him-"

Lana appears bored. "Okay let's just get this over with...Bachelor number 3? Are you there?"


"....what? Oh...yea"

"Okay, Bachelor number 3, what is your favorite book?"


"........does the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit addition count?"

"Of course! That's a personal favorite of mine as well! Thanks bachelors!"

The announcer comes back on. "Now it's time for Lana to make her choice. WIll it be bachelor 1, 2, or 3?"

"Well, Bill. This was a very hard choice. Bachelor 1 is just what I want. Honest, selfless, and intelligent. Bachelor 2 seems...well...too selfish, untruthful, and dumb. Bachelor 3 is good too. Smart and he has great taste in girls and books.

So, Bill. I'm going to have to go with Bachelor number 1."

Lex walks out and Lana squeals in excitement.

"Ooo The bald and the beautiful!"

Lana lives a horrible life with Lex. Clark dies alone.

PRAY FOR CLANA!

THE END!!!

-But wait-

Whats this? Lex has died? Too bad.

Lana and Clark live happily ever after.

[thmallville]

THAT WAS THE MEANEST TRUE STORY EVER!!!! I WAS GETTING ALL EXCITED AT THE END, THINKING THERE WOULD BE CLANA, AND WHAT DO I GET????!!!! L****A!!!!!!!!!

GO DIE IN A CORNER!

[smallvilleobsessor17]

I know! That was just too cruel. I was full of hope, and then it got ruined. :(

[LuvClana]

Originally posted by thmallville
THAT WAS THE MEANEST TRUE STORY EVER!!!! I WAS GETTING ALL EXCITED AT THE END, THINKING THERE WOULD BE CLANA, AND WHAT DO I GET????!!!! L****A!!!!!!!!!

GO DIE IN A CORNER!

oooo
a bit harsh, don't you think? Clana doesn't need to be happy. In this thread it needs to be humorous with the pairing of Clana and Clark, wheather it be romantic, friendship, or even if they hate each other. Either way, I don't tend to want to die in a corner, thanks.

[thmallville]

*sniff sniff* i just wanted some nice, fluffy, sugary claaaaanaaaaaaaaa. *wails* AND INSTEAD I HAVE TO WATCH L****A ON MY TV SCREEEEEEEN. AND I DON'T WANT TOOO!!! * hides behind mommy* I JUST WANT MY CLANA. MY CLANA! MY CLANA!!! IT'S MIIIIINE!!!! *sniffles* pretty Clana... nice Clana...

[SmallvilleMan]

Chill out, you do know they're fictional characters?

[thmallville]

Umm... duh?

[thmallville]

OK, now someone really needs to write the fluffiest Clana fic EVER, because Whither has made me sick to my stomach. I think I died. I actually had a dream that I wrote "I hate L****a" on my leg in blue nail polish and then I killed myself. UGH!

[Clanafan24/7]

i didn't watch Whither but i did c the screen caps.let me tell u,i almost spewed on my poor keybord!then my lexanna neighbours were whooting so loud i had to put my steros up to max volume to make em shut up!.lana is on drugs or did lex spike her drink coz she was out of her rite mind 2 do that!i can't even think how happy the lexanna fans are!

[thmallville]

UGH UGH UGH!!!!!!!!! I know!!!!!!! And we have to shut up now or the moderators will start to whine about spoilers..

[thmallville]

Is anyone still alive?

[smallvilleobsessor17]

I think I might still be alive.

Here is my VERY pitiful attempt at humor. Please don't try to kill me if you manage to get through to the end.

Clark: Oh Lana, dear, I bought you a pink kitten.

Lana: Listen Clark, we need to talk. You know how I've always told you to be completely honest with me?

Clark: *looking like a half-dead meerkat as he tries to feign concern* Uh... yeah. What's this about Lana?

Lana: Well, I think we should go on the Jerry Springer show.

Clark: *starts to whine like a puppy or little boy who has just been told by his mother his friend can't come over and play* But WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyy?!?

Lana: I have something that I've been meaning to get off my chest.


*******************
At the Jerry Springer show:

Audience: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Jerry: * looking extremely smug and squeaky clean* Hello, I'm Jerry Springer and welcome to the show. Now today I'm with Lana, says she has something to reveal to her boyfriend, Clark. *glances at Lana* Is that right? What are you here today to tell your boyfriend?

Lana: *wearing a sleazy leopard print shirt and khaki skirt*Well, Jerry, it's a really sensitive subject, but it has to come out.

Jerry: WHOOOAAAA-HO-HO!!! THIS SOUNDS JUICY!!!

Audience: *cheers and laughter*

Lana: You see, Clark has- rosy cheeks.

Jerry: And how does this make you feel?

Lana: I know they're not naturally that rosy and dewy!!! It hurts, Jerry, I mean how could he hide this from me?!?

Jerry: And how did you find this out?!?

Lana: Well... I was stealing Clark's razor so that I could shave my chin, and...

Jerry: I can tell this is hard for you, but what did you find?!?

Lana: It was... a... a... a stick... of MANBLUSH!!!

Audience: *BOOO!!!*

Jerry: Wow, that's tough. Have you confronted Clark about this?

Lana: No, he has no idea.

Jerry: Well, he does now! He's been listening back stage. Here's CLARK!!!!

*Clark runs out onto the stage, his hair stringy and with half his teeth missing.

Clark: *in hillbilly accent* Whutchu talkin bout, woman?

Lana: *also in hillbilly accent* You know what I mean! Everyday I see you with rosy cheeks and I think,"Wow, what a lovely shade!" And then I find out that you been slathering manblush on?!? WHAT'S WRONG WIT YOU?!?

*Clark grins sheepishly and shrugs his shoulders*

Clark: Whut kin I say? *giggles like a school girl* It makes me feel better bout miself!!!

Lana: How could you hide this from me?!?!

*Lana leaps on Clark like a rabid sugar glider*

Audience: WHHOOOOOOOO!!!

Jerry: Okay... so where do you two go from here?

Lana: I don't know, Jerry. I mean, I love Clark, but how can he keep such a big thing from me?

Clark: Baby, I didn't mean to hurt you. I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

*****************
Jerry's mini-end of show speech:
You know, it isn't easy to keep life-changing secrets from the ones we love. We do it to shield them, or maybe we think that they won't accept us for who we are. But remember, without trust, what do we have? Until next time, I'm Jerry Springer, and remember, take care of yourself and each other.

Audience: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

The END!!! I told you it was bad, and yes, I do watch the Jerry Springer show. It's hilarious!!!

[thmallville]

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[thmallville]

anyone else alive? Or did you all catch the black plague?

[ajfinn]

AHHHHHHHH hhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhaaaaaaaaa!!!!! Love the Jerry Springer action, which is a lot more believable than the crap we're getting on real SV.

:D

[thmallville]

Wow! I haven't gone on this thread since.... last year! I LOVE YOUR AVI, AJFINN!!!!!!!!!!

Is anyone still around? ehhe

[thmallville]

IS ANYONE STILL ALIVE?!?!?

[redraven]

I AM!!!

...But I don't have anything funny to write. :(

[thmallville]

Aww. Me neither.

[Hahaveryfunny]

I'm alive too. I've got an idea for something funny. Its not really appropriate for this page/thread/whatever but how about coming up with ways to beat the crap out of Lex with blunt objects? LOL
Its just an idea. Here's an example: "Making a Lex-kabob while hitting him repeatedly with a baseball bat, a golf club and iron poker all at the same time" Tell me what you think.

[thmallville]

My sweet dear, the most definetely is appropriate!! And giggly too!

What about if Lex was speeding along in his little Lex-mobile and he's behind a truck filled with chainsaws, when out of nowhere comes flying a pole with finger-like appendages which happens to turn a chainsaw on. A rabid mongrel-like beastly dog runs out in the middle of the road, to the chainsaw truck slams on its brakes, jarring the door enough for it to come lose and the roaring chainsaw flies off the truck and stabs Lex! He notices he has been stabbed with a chainsaw and pulls into a nearby ice cream parlor for help. A small unloved child is playing marbles in the parking lot, and Lex slips on some of the slippery spheres. He goes flying to the other end of the parking where some other fool is sharpening ice cream cones. Poor little Lexy gets stabbed in the eyeball/brain with a sharpened ice cream cone, and dies. The end.

[smallvilleobsessor17]

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA! Like in the MACNTW story!!!!!!!!!!

[redraven]

...Or we could just think of bad things to happen to Lex and put them into a 1 part fic. Omg! I'm close to writing a short slapstick fanfic!

...but I'm not going to.

[smallvilleobsessor17]

Awww....come on! Do it!

[redraven]

I'll think about it. ;)

Why don't you write one?

[smallvilleobsessor17]

I wrote one a while back. Clana went on Jerry Springer!

[thmallville]

THIS THREAD HAS HAD LIFE BREATHED INTO IT ANEW!!!!

WRITE A REALLY SHORT ONE, RIGHT NOW!!!

[smallvilleobsessor17]

NO! YOU!

[thmallville]

Not you, fool, redraven!

[Hahaveryfunny]

Well, I see my idea was a HUGE HIT. I've got more Lex bashing ideas see: 1.Spit shining Lex’s bald head while he break dances, sings (badly) & gets hit with a hockey stick repeatedly.
2.Having Lex get hit with a hockey stick repeatedly while he is eating hot soup and doing tap dancing. 3.Lex repeatedly with a baseball bat while his head is spit shined. JOIN IN THE FUN! LOL!

[thmallville]

Lex getting bashed in the head with a pinata with sharp spikes on the sides while we all stand by and watch and giggle!

[redraven]

In my other slapstick fan fic, Lex had a bird poo in his mouth, and he got hit by a mini van. I think a train even hit him, I'll have to read it again to remember.

[thmallville]

hehhehe! Linkage please!

[thmallville]

Don't let this wonderful thread die!!!