montevallo
11-30-2005, 06:57 PM
Clark runs into the torch looking for Chloe the lights are out and Chloe’s at her computer
Clark: hey Chloe you’ll never guess who I dumped you for!
Chloe stands up and starts to sing
At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
(Clark stares at her)
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
Clark: uhh Chloe
Chloe: Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
hey-hey
(Lana comes out from the shadows and begins to sing)
Lana: It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
and now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
Clark:…*confused look*
Lana: Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
(Chloe starts singing again)
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
(Chloe pushes him out the door)
both: weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
(Chloe slams the door shut)
Lana and Chloe: *high five*
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Its Karaoke night at the Talon
Lionel and Lex walk onstage
Lionel:
My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"
Lex:
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
Lionel:
My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"
Lex:
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then dad
You know we'll have a good time then
Lionel:
Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
little boy blue and the man on the moon
when you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
Both:
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
Lex: *crying* I love you dad
Lionel: *crying* I love you too son
(they hug)
Lana: get a room!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lex has Clark tied to a chair he also can’t move his head
Lex: well Clark I haven’t been able to hurt you at all but I’ve finally found a way to torture you.
He puts some headphones on Clark and turns on two TVs each just out of Clarks sight so he can only see them out of the corner of his eye they are flashing different colors. He turns on the head phone except the sound only comes out of one side
Clark: Lex your insane
Lex: oh it may seem laughable now but eventually it will annoy you more and more until you cant stand it any more MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Clark: no make it stooooooooooop!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lana: hi Clark how do you like my counselor Troi bunny suit
Chloe: my seven of nine suit is better
Clark: well neither of you outfits are as good as my Uhura miniskirt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Missing scene from "devoted" from right after Lex shows Clark the room that used to have all the stuff about him in it
Clark leaves the room after telling Lex his problem
Lex: Clark is so stupid
he turns on another set of lights reveling all the displays he had which had been pushed a few feet away into the darkness
Clark comes back in
Clark: did you say my name Le.. You lied to me
Lex: Clark its not what it looks like
Clark: I trusted you and you betrayed me again
Clark runs away crying
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clark: I need to go to the tinkle winkle ha room
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chloe: Clark you’ll never guess what I found out
Clark: what?
Chloe: white chocolate doesn't actually have any chocolate in it
Clark: no way
Clark rushes home and checks.
Clark: its true I don’t know what to believe in any more
Martha: what is it Clark?
Clark: *crying* white chocolate doesn't have chocolate in it
Martha: let me see that
she takes the bag of white chocolate chips
Martha: OMG your right this changes everything.
Clark: I just need to be alone now
later
Lex: hey Clark I called before, your mom said you weren’t feeling good what wrong
Clark: my worlds been turned upside down.
Lex: what happened
Clark: I I f-found out tha whi-white ch-chocolate doesn’t have any ch-chocolate in-in it
Lex backs away
Lex: that cant be true
he runs away back to the mansion where he takes a bag of white chocolate chips and reads the ingredients
Lex: dear God he's right
Lionel: Lex what is it you look very upset
Lex: see for yourself
he gives the bag to Lionel and points at the ingredients
Lionel: so
Lex: look at what in it
Lionel: why its just white...
he looks back at the ingredients his eyes widen
Lionel: is this some kind of trick son
Lex: no dad its true
Lionel hugs Lex who begins to cry
Lionel: its okay son everything will be fine
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
its April fools day in Smallville
Chloe: hi Lana guess what I did
Lana: what
Chloe: I went to the jail to the wing where they keep rapiers and put up pictures of you with you name address and phone number
Lana stares at her for a moment then laughs
Lana: you had me there for a moment but its just another April fools joke
Chloe: no I didn’t know it was April fools day, I really did it
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha: Lana had to go to a Psychiatrist because of all the times you’ve dumped her. She had a nervous breakdown after you didn’t show up for your date again. From now on, your not allowed having a girlfriend and if I find out you do you'll find that your food has been poisoned with kryptonite
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Clark: Lana your so stupid your parents bodies wouldn’t even be here after all they were struck by a meteor they would have been incinerated
Lana starts crying
while she's distracted Clark runs and steals her horse
Clark: now I can trade this horse to that old man with the magic beans and grow a bean stalk to a place where I can steel money from giant people *giggle* *giggle* *snort* *snort*
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lionel bakes some muffins and gives them to Martha
Martha: wow these muffins are better than mine
Clark: no there not
Martha: yes they are
Clark: no there not
Jonathan: that’s enough I will not let Lionel tare our family apart
he grabs his shotgun and walks out
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Clark: now that that witch is gone what do you plan to do now?
Lana: well I decided to let a Pah-Wraith inhabit my body, and now I need to go meet up with Gul Dukat and destroy the wormhole and the prophets mwahahaha
her eyes glow red and she flies off
Clark: dammit now even Lana can fly before me
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonathan walks up to his house as he opens the door the entire house explodes
Lex and Clark runs out from the loft
Lex: APRIL FOOLS hahahhahaahahahaha
Clark: good one Lex
they high five
************************************************** *********************
Clark: ill show you just how strong I am
he sprays liquid nitrogen all over his arm and slams it down in the table
his arm shatters into thousands of pieces
Clark: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh OH MY GOD my arm AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(from "craving")
Chloe: how did you get that door open Clark
Clark: umm Kent charm
Chloe: what the hell are you talking about
Clark...
Chloe: you could have said I turned the doorknob the wrong way, god!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(From the end of leech)
Eric sees the lead box Clark is holding
Eric: what’s that is it a present for me
Clark: yes, a present to destroy you
Eric: *gasp* destroy me that would be mean
He throws Clark at the fence
Clark: hey, yo9u shouldn’t do that seeing as how my ribs are broken even though I haven’t shown and indication of pain in that area in this scene
Eric: what?
Clark: id stop people like you
He jumps at Eric with the necklace but misses and gets electrocuted
The end
************************************************** *****************
Clark: hey Chloe, there’s a file about me on your computer labeled TC what does that mean
Chloe: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Clark opens and reads it
Clark: OH MY GOD!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Security guard: so should we have him killed sir
Lex: not yet, in the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Clark: I’ve decided to learn how to cook
Martha: but Clark your an alien you would have different tastes than humans
Clark: I wouldn’t be talking about tastes if I was wearing that shirt
Jonathan: Bam!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lex: after taking out Lionel the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards, checkmate
Clark: *exasperated sigh*
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clark Lex and Chloe go to see a concert
During one of the songs
Chloe: impressive, there busting mad rhymes with an 80% success rate
Lex: I believe that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint
Clark: *dancing badly* hey would you shut up, I’m trying to look cool
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dr. Swann: Kal-el this pink kryptonite ring will make you even more powerful
Clark: cool
He puts on the ring then wanders off
Dr. Swann: this is going to be good. Ha Clarks so stupid
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chloe: Pete I asked you to write a story about how students are dealing with the death of principle Kwan not a 15 page report on how you feel alone and alienated.
Pete: well Chloe its not like I have a magic camera that lets me see into people's souls, because yours would be BLACK, black as the ace of spades!
TPTB: what we didn’t write that he's not allowed to say 28 words in a row and we would never want anyone to say something bad about Chloe.
Sam: but I like mine better
TPTB: fine
Sam: Swish!
TPTB: but as a penalty you and Eric wont be appearing in the episode “stray”
Eric: GOD!! Thanks a lot Sam!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Clark and Pete are walking down the street
Pete: check out that babe
Clark x rays her
Clark: *gasp* that’s no women
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lex: you couldn’t find inner beauty in Lionel even if you had a Lionel-inner-beauty-finding machine
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Kents have a party all is going well until Jonathan gets really drunk he's staggering around and spots Lana
Jonathan: *slurred* how you doin
Lana: *in a stern voice* it seems that someone slipped a novelty ice cube with a fly in it into my drink
Jonathan: hahahaha I did it
Lana: these ice cubes are made with highly toxic chemicals, a real fly would have been more sanitary
Jonathan gives Lana a blank look then wanders off to talk to some friends, he spies Clark
Jonathan: hey, hey Clark
Clark: yeah dad
Jonathan: do that thing that you do
Clark: what thing
Jonathan: that thing that’s funny
Clark:...
Jonathan: go to bed
Jonathan passes out. In the morning Martha wakes him up, they go to the car Martha turns on loud music
Martha: there, when I was a kid I always hated knowing my parents were fighting
Clark is looking at them from his window
Clark: they’re fighting again, that music always sends shivers down my spine
Back in the car
Martha: blah blah blah now you’ve scared Clark for life
Jonathan: wha no I didn- oh you mean oh the inside
Martha: now you go in there and talk to Clark right now
In Clarks room
Jonathan: now Clark, last night you saw daddy acting strangely and you probably don’t understand why
Clark: yeah I do, you were wasted
Jonathan: you probably lost a lot off respect for me
Clark: dad I have as much respect for you as I ever have or ever will
They hug
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------what should have happened in obscura
Lex: I finally got the paperwork back from the chemical spill
Jonathan: I never thought I’d live to see the day
Lex: because...I know your loss cant be fixed entirely with money but I hope this helps
Jonathan reaches for the check but Lex pulls it back
Lex *scoff* I’ve learned my lesson Mr. Kent why would I give you this money if I knew you would return it to me, no you’re not touching this check
Lex gives it to Martha
Lex: don’t let him touch it
Martha: you did the right thing Lex
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------its midnight. Nell is walking down the hallway when she hears something in Lana's room, she looks in and sees Lana in a chair looking out of her window with a doll in her lap
Lana: *in an Eire voice* what’s that baby button-eyes *pause* but I love aunt Nell
Nell looks worried
Lana: what’s that baby button-eyes *pause* then they all must die.
She pulls a knife out of her sock
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Clark: Lex, where do babies come from
Lex: umm well umm.... I don’t know ill have a team of specialist fly in from metropolis to explain it to you
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lex and Clark are in the caves
Lex: we’ve detected an alien life form beyond this wall were about to demolish it I wanted you to be here to see it
some people blow up the wall and out of it comes.... Species 8472!!!!!!!
Lex: OMG shoot it shoot it
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jonathan: look at this, TV guide has me as one of America’s sexiest dads
Clark: oh god Chloe's never going to let me forget this
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonathan: *to Clark* now you go and tell Chloe the truth
Martha: no the truth would humiliate her
Jonathan: ohhh I only said it because thought it was what you wanted to hear
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lex: here's the mail dad, that will be $3.00 for on-couch delivery
Lionel: *paying him* and that makes three
Lex: this isn’t real money! Its printed by the Montana militia
Lionel: *threateningly* it will be soon enough
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lana: *to Clark* at first I thought you were a big pompous buffoon but then I realized inside you were a pitiful child but then I realized outside of that child is a big pompous buffoon
Clark: and which one of them rocked your world
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Clark: look 4 identical castles
Pete: each one more identical then the last
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lex gets pulled over by some cops
Lex: what can I do for you officer?
The cop pulls out his gun and puts it to Lex’s head
Cop: show me you’re license, slowly
Lex gets out his license and gives it to the cop
Cop: I see you from metropolis I heard about an unsolved murder in metropolis but you wouldn’t know anything about that would you
Lex: there are hundreds of unsolved murders in metropolis every year
The cop takes out his handcuffs
Cop: you don’t know when to keep your mouth shut.
He pulls Lex out of the car and arrests him
later...
Lex is sitting in a jail cell looking sad
Sheriff: *to the cop* good job it looks we can close the book on all the murders in our fair city
Lex: don’t I at least get to call my lawyer?
Cop: you watch to many movies Luthor
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chloe: Clark I know about your powers
Clark: so do I *angrily* but where’s my parade
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Clark, Pete Lana, and Chloe are sitting at a table in the talon when Lex walks in
Lex: hello friends what a beautiful day
Clark: oh great he's high again
Lex: the only thing I’m high on is life, my friends I found religion
Everyone stares at Lex, shocked
Pete: is this another scam to get free Yarmulkes
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gen. lane: as usual my plan is so simple an idiot could have devised it, in my command all troops will file directly into the enemy death cannon clogging it with wreckage
Soldier: sir I volunteer for a suicide mission sir
Gen lane: you’re a brave man but when I’m in command every mission is a suicide mission
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Lana needs a new computer as she's going to a store to buy one a crazy old lady appears out of nowhere and Lana almost hits her. She gets out of the car to see if the crazy old lady is all right
Lana: are you all right
crazy old lady: I have something for you *cackles*
she pulls a strange laptop out of her pocket, then vanishes in a burst of smoke. Unnerved Lana heads back to the talon to check out the laptop. When finds out that using this computer she can send messages to people that are dead.
Lana decides to talk to Whitney first
Lana types: Whitney you’ll never believe what happened but my computer broke and I went to get a new one and then this crazy lady took one out of her pocket but I don’t know how she did it because it was a small pocket.
More type appears on the screen
Whitney: hello who is this?
Lana types: oh sorry its me Lana
Whitney: Lana, have you missed me
Lana types: well I haven’t talked about you or made a reference to you in 2 years
Whitney: oh, well what about Henry small what happened with him
Lana types: I haven’t seen him I three years, I think he died
Whitney: well did he turn out to be your father and how’s my mom
Lana types: I don’t remember
Message pops up on Lana’s screen its from "the helicopter pilot that got killed in the second meteor shower''
The helicopter pilot that got killed in the second meteor shower: * in the "chiller" font* you killed me Lana
Lana types: who are you
The helicopter pilot that got killed in the second meteor shower: I’m the helicopter pilot that got killed in the second meteor shower that was hired by Lex
Lana types: what do you want from me?
The helicopter pilot that got killed in the second meteor shower: I want REVENGE!!!
A wind picks u, the window flies open, the lights flicker, its suddenly night time and raining. Lana restarts the computer. Everything returns to normal
Lana thinks of other people to contact, she wasn’t ready to talk to her parents so who
Lana: Adam
Lana types: hi Adam its me Lana I want to talk to you
Adam: 'sup
Lana: why did you try to kill me
Adam: well you see its a long story it all started back in 'Nam
Lana closes the file
Lana: who next hmmmm what about Jason
Lana types: Jason are you dead
Jason: yes
Lana types: k thanks
Jason: wait Lana I’m sorry I wan-
Lana types: ok ok I asked if you were dead not for your life story
Lana closes the file
Lana: *thinking* ELVIS!!!, no hmmm what about Darth Vader, no he's not real
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jonathan: how’s working for Lex
Clark: oh it's great working with a Saturn award winner
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clark and Lana: oh no it’s the Lionels of unfunness on there carpets of no laughter
Clark: what ever will we do?
Lex appears out of nowhere
Lex: here take these magic Popsicles and use they to lure the Lionels away
Clark and Lana use the magic Popsicles to draw a giant banana in the sky, the Lionels fly away
Clark: thanks man of Popsicle
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lex is at his mansion
Security guard: Mr. Luthor a girl scout has entered the premises
Lex runs over to the intercom to the guardhouse
Lex: all units shoot to kill
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Whitey is at basic training in a room with a bunch of military issue bunk beds and several other people
Instructor: the key to victory is discipline, which means a well-made bed; you'll practice until you can make your bed in your sleep
Whitney: you mean while were sleeping in it?
Instructor: you wont have time for sleep soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Clark burst into Lex's library
Clark: I know where Lionel is
Lex jumps up out of his seat
Lex: to the Luthormobile
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ At the talon
Lana: hey Lex I was wondering if you could help me with this homework
Lex's head slowly turns all the way around
Lex: *in a flat emotionless voice* I am older than time itself
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Clark turns in his report for the Torch
Clark: Here’s that article
Chloe reads it:
The surreal Smurf sat on a mountain, the surreal Smurf was happy. Then along came Bob The Broken Boat.
“Tally ho,” said Bob The Broken Boat “Your soul is now forfeit to meeeee”
“Boink!” said the surreal Smurf as he jumped of the hill and on to the giant backpack
And so the chase began, it went a lot like this: Boink, Boink, Boink Boink, Boinkboink boinkboinkboinkboinkboinkboinkboinkboinkboink. Eventually they all settled down and became one big happy family, actually 3 feuding Clans.
1st was the Smurf Clan, they were really good at Boinking, they did a lot, it was why everyone hated them, 2nd was the Boat Clan, they were very good at darting, it kept the other Clans on there toes, 3rd was the Gossip Clan, no one really knows where they came from, apparently they just came out of the molar mountains, they talk. All the time. They never stop. Ever. And there was a 4th Clan the Hearts Clan all they ever did was make chocolate and sit around campfires singing Kum-Ba-Ya.
One day there was a glorious battle with gore galore a battle that would go down in the ages. Everyone put on the arms. Suddenly among the fighting, a sound was heard. The Hearts Clan had gathered on the mountains and had begun singing, not Kum-Ba-Ya thank god a true song a song of song a songs. Everyone took off there arms and began to sing. It was a beautiful choir that went up to the havens: ok it was a defining racket. So the Smurfs could only say Boink and the Boats were flat and the gossips kept trying to talk in between the lines, but it was all climactic.
And they all lived happily ever after, except for the surreal Smurf, who never got his soul back.
Chloe: Clark what the hell is this
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Clark and Pete are out camping, its night time and there telling stories at the campfire
Clark: good one Pete. Here’s one I made up
The Postmodr'n Pants sat in a tree. The Postmodr'n Pants had no brain to be happy with. But they were happy anyway, because they're an annoying pair of pants.
Then along came the Wringing Wraith.
"I'm evil," said the Wringing Wraith rather appropriately. "You are not evil, therefore you must become evil."
The Wringing Wraith then attempted to wring the neck of the Postmodr'n Pants. This next scene was rather peculiar. The Wringing Wraith could not wring the neck of the Postmodr'n Pants. The Postmodr'n Pants did not have any such body parts.
It suddenly struck the Postmodr'n Pants that the Wringing Wraith looked rather drab, so he decided to outfit the infuriated Wraith and give him a makeover. This presented a difficulty, as the Wraith had neither skin, nor hair, nor, in fact, any body parts to speak of. So the Pants simply balled up the Wraith's robe, declared it the head, and dressed the non-existent person.
And so the chase began. It went a lot like this:
*fwump* *straighten clothing* ….. ROOOOOOAAAAAAR!!!....
"Shouldn't one of us be running?" asked the Wraith.
"Burp!" answered the Pants.
That rather random remark so startled the Wraith that it started running away from the Pants. The Pants were all too happy to chase after the Wraith. The Pants, being made for running, shopping, wrapping around your head, beating away aliens and possessed dwarves, and everything else people use pants for, easily caught the Wraith.
"Please don't eat me!" said the Wraith.
"Burp!" said the Pants happily, after it had finished eating the Wraith.
At this point, some idiot spontaneously became Styrofoam, therefore becoming part of the story at the exact moment that he was saying: "You are what you eat!"
Since this happened to be one of those annoyingly bossy people that alter the course of the universe with their minds, the Postmodr'n Pants became the Evil Wraith Postmodr'n Pants That Are Evil!!!
Poor Pants. Poor, poor Pants.
Pete: wow man that really got to me
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clark was getting ready to go to sleep when Lois came down
Lois: (seductively) hey Clark would you come up and tuck me in
Clark: (oblivious as usual) sure
Clark goes up and tucks Lois in
Clark: ill tell you a story
Lois desperately tries to find her pepper spray
Clark: Super Pig was in his secret hideout. Super Pig Sat in his special chair. He liked his chair. He loved his chair. Then suddenly a shady person came crashing though the wall. “For the all-seeing helicopter” he screamed and proceeds to smash the chair to tiny little bit. ”Ha ha” said the sentient candle “he smashed your chair” he then moved slightly and set the persons pants no fire. “NO!!!!!!!” screamed the Wraith Postmodr’n Pants that are Evil (it’s still called that even though it’s not postmodern anymore) “now I’ll die”. The Wraith Postmodr’n Pants that are Evil’s upper body disappeared.
“You suck,” said the sentient candle in a high annoying voice to the smoldering remains of the pants. Meanwhile Super Pig was crying about his broken chair “you’ll be all right my precious chair. Chair, chair?! Speak to me! You’ll be all right bla bla bla whine moan. No there’s no pulse he’s dead. You will be avenged!!!!” “Oh dear he’s having another one of hi episodes. Who are you?” said the sentient candle to the dark figure beside him. “Why I’m the happy man. I’m 90% darkness but 10% light! And I can help get you a car with no money down, 0% APR financing and no interest till 1763”
“but it’s two-thous”
“Shut up”
“Well sorry Super Pig didn’t take his medication” said the sentient candle obnoxiously. Super Pig suddenly picked up the sentient candle and brought him over to the funeral pyre that he had built. “Hey what are you doin- AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” said the sentient candle. Super Pig used him to light the pyre. “That really hurts you have issues”
“Well now let get the all-seeing helicopter,” said Super Pig decisively. Super Pig and the happy man left the hideout. “Well good bye” said the happy man as he took out his umbrella and flew away. “Well I thought salesmen were weird but that’s a bit extreme,” said Super Pig who then proceeded to walk across the street to the all-seeing helicopter house not hearing the yells from the sentient canal about how his stupid pyre set every thing on fire and rung the doorbell.
“Hello?” said the happy man who was strangely in side the house “oh come in come in I’ll set out some tea.” “Haven’t we met before?” asked Super Pig. Super Pig enjoyed the tea and then followed the happy man down stairs to an evil place. There he was, the sentient candle unprotected other than the thousands of guards. “Oh lord how will we get passed all the guards” said Super Pig “like this” said the happy man as he walked pass the inanimate cardboard guards “oh look a helicopter” he said and proceeded to get on the vile thing and fly away. “That went well,” said Super Pig after he had melted all the guards with his laser-vision.
“Now where did that helicopter go?”
“You really are an idiot,” said the sentient candle who had appeared out of nowhere.
“ How did you get here?”
“I ordered legs from e-bay.”
“How did you get to e-bay?”
“With the power of evil.”
“How did you get the power of evil?”
“E-bay.”
“How did you get to e-bay?”
It went a lot like that for a while.
A long while.
O.K. it was eternity. And if they still haven’t died their still there rejoicing in there infinite paradox.
Lois: wow Clark that was a great story, could you tell me it again
Clark: sure lo-
Lois sprays him in the eyes with her pepper spray
Clark: AHHHHH my eyes, my one weakness
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Martha: here Clark have some prune juice
Clark drinks it
Clark: this is the drink of a Warrior
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Clark: Lex I need your help
Lex: *sighs* what is it this time
Clark: the kids at school won't let me sit at the cool table
Lex: *weary sigh*
he checks his wallet there’s only $5000 left in it
Lex: *wearily* you’ve bankrupted me with you moronic needs I hate you
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lois was riding her bike looking for Genevieve who had stolen Shelby. She eventually catches up to her and takes Shelby. All of a sudden with out any warning, there is a tornado, Lois frantically rides back to the storm cellar but Clark says she cant come in so she runs to the house which gets lifted up by the tornado, Lois gets knocked out.
When she wakes up she’s in a magical colorful world of whimsy and excitement. She sees a pair of legs sticking out from under the house with red shoes. Lois steals the shoes.
Suddenly a little bubble floats by, it gets bigger and bigger and Lois sees there is a women inside who looks like Martha Kent
Women: hello I’m the kind which of the north
Lois: hi can you tell me how to get out of this place its tacky
Kind which of the north: I’m afraid I can’t but the wizard of Luthor corp. might be able to tell you
Lois: how do I get to him?
Kind which of the north: just follow the yellow brick road
Lois is skipping down the road when she sees a scarecrow (that looks like Clark) trying to scare away some crows
Lois: hey why don’t you come with me to the wizard maybe he can help you find a brain
Scarecrow: that’s not very nice.
He goes along with Lois until they come across a steel woodman (who looks like Lex) that appears to be frozen in place
Steel woodman: help me
Lois: why should I?
Steel woodman: well I drank some poisoned wine and this happened
Lois: what ever can we do to help you?
Steel woodman: give me some wine
Lois pulls a bottle of wine out of her pocket and pours it into the woodman’s mouth
Steel woodman: ha I wasn’t actually frozen I just wanted some wine
Lois: how could you play such a horrid trick on us?
Steel woodman: I don’t have a heart
Scarecrow: *gasp* then come with us to see the wizard
Lois: no I don’t like him
Steel woodman: please
Lois: oh alright
A lion walks out of the trees that looks like Jonathan
Lion: I'm the third guy, the one who needs courage, lets go.
We see the Lois, the scarecrow, the steel woodman, and the lion skipping along the road from a crystal ball wicked witch of the west (Genevieve): mwahahahahahahaha bring them to me my pretties.
She opens a cage of winged monkeys that all look like Pete. They fly off and capture Lois, the scarecrow and the steel woodman
Lion: what am I not good enough?
Later at the wicked witch’s castle
Lois: why did you bring us here?
Lion: and why did I have to take a cab?
Wicked witch of the west: you see I'm so terribly lonely
Wicked witch of the west walks toward Lois; Lois kicks her in the face, knocking her off her feet.
Wicked witch of the west: how dare you
She grabs a knife and lunges at Lois; Lois kicks her in the chest knocking her back down
Lois: *****
Steel woodman: well this calls for a celebration
He takes out a bottle of champagne and opens it. A bunch of the Champaign gets on the wicked witch of the west
Wicked witch of the west: noooooooo I’m melting ahhhhhhhhhhh didn’t you know Champaign would be the end of meeeeeee!
The wicked witch of the west dies
Lois: well let’s go
they finally reach the giant emerald colored Luthor corp. building. They knock on the front door. A man who looks like Jason opens a slot on the door.
Man: who is it?
Lois: I’m Lois and we’re here to see the wizard
Man: no one sees the wizard
Lois: *sigh* she pokes the man in the eyes
Man: Ow!, fine come in
Lois the woodman the scarecrow and the lion enter a large room. There is a large head that looks like Lionel’s above a curtain.
Wizard: welcome
Shelby runs up you the curtain and pulls it down reveling the mans body with a huge head
Wizard: hello everyone
Lois: hello wizard I need help getting home
Lion: and I need courage
Wizard: *to the lion* why my friend, why would you need courage when you have a gun
The wizard hands the lion a gun, then turns to the scarecrow
Wizard: and you must need a brain
Scarecrow: *in a hurt voice* I wish people would stop saying that
Wizard: to Lois just tap your shoes together and say, threes no place like home
Lois does and she wakes up in her bed surrounded by Lex, Lionel, Clark, Jonathan, Martha, Chloe, Pete, and Jason.
Lois: oh I had the most wonderful dream *to Lex* and you were there, *to Lionel* and you were there *to Jonathan* and you were there *to Martha* and you were there *to Pete* and you were there but you didn’t have any lines
Pete: damn
Lois: yes it was a wonderful dream, *to Clark* except you were there! And you were a moron
Chloe: was I there
Lois: no
Jonathan: well now your back here to your life of mediocrity and despair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonathan: hey son, could you lift he tractor up for me
Clark: I don’t know, maybe 20 bucks will refresh my memory
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clark: Lex you’ve told me three different versions of the same story, which ones true
Lex: why Clark, there all true
Clark: even the lies?
Lex leans closer to Clark
Lex: especially the lies
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clark is feeling particularly low and feels that he has to let his feelings out. He decides to do it at the next karaoke night. He spends a long time looking for a song to use and eventually finds one. He gets Lex and Pete to be backup singers.
At the talon: Clark Lex and Pete walk up on the stage and Clark starts to sing in a gentle slightly sad voice
Clark: No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Clark, Pete and Lex: Behind blue eyes
Clark: No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
Clark, Pete and Lex: To telling only lies
Clark: But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Clark, Pete and Lex: Can show through
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
Clark: I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never freeeeee
(The music changes and becomes faster. Clark starts to sing in a harsher voice)
Clark: When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
And if I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
(The music returns to normal after a short instrumental break, as does Clark’s voice)
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Clark, Pete and Lex: Behind blue eyes
(everyone claps)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pete: you destroy my life, and I fall back, you invade my privacy and I fall back. But no more, THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HERE NO FURTHER AND I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR WHAT YOUVE DONE!
Clark: blow up the damn ship
Pete: NOOO!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It’s Lex’s birthday and he’s invited Clark, Chloe, Lana, and Pete to have dinner with him in a five-star restaurant. Lex insists everyone wears top hats and monocles because he’s so rich.
When he stops at Lana’s house he went up to the door, knocked. Lana opens the door and she is already wearing one, Lex gives her a strange look
Lex: Did they already tell you about the hats?
Lana: Hats? Oh.... uh. Right. They already told me. *Looks around nervously*
they get a table and menus. A few minutes later, the waiter comes over
Lex: I’ve been perusing your fortified wine list and I’ve selected, the ’71 Hobo’s Delight, the ’57 Chateau Part-ay, and the ’66 Thunder-schewitz
Waiter: exquisite chose sir
Lex: and mix them all in a big jug
Pete: id like a 2 litter bottle of mountain due the best drink ever
Chloe: ill have a Sex on the beach
Everyone stares at her
Chloe: what? It’s a real drink
everyone stares at her
Chloe: fine ill have a Cappuccino
Lana: sweat tea
Clark: ill just have water.
Lex: so how is everyone?
Clark: good
Chloe: yeah
Lana: great
Pete: fine
Lex: well I’m glad, so Chloe, how’s your dad doing
Chloe: well he’s started dating again
Lex: and who’s the lucky lady?
Chloe: …. Pete’s mom
Pete: WHAT?!?!?! I SPEND ONE WEEK WITH MY DAD AND MY MOM STARTS SEEING ANOTHER GUY OH MY GOD
Pete drinks a can of beer
Pete: ahhhh
Lana: *thinking* finally an excuse to wear a top-hat my favorite of all hats
The waiter comes up
Waiter: are you ready to order
Clark: what is you opinion on the steak
Waiter: its very good
Clark: and this
He points to a picture on the menu
Waiter: that’s a bottle of mustard
Clark: really and what your opinion on it
Waiter: I don’t like it
Clark: then no must-ard for me
Everyone orders their food
Lex: now there’s a reason I invited you to this restaurant
Pete drinks some more beer
Lana: why Lex
Reveal Lionel stepping out of a shadowy corner
Lionel: he didn’t think I’d find him
Lex: (shocked) how did you find me?
Lionel points to a waiter who is obviously a machine with cameras for eyes
Lionel: Lex you’re nothing but a coward
Lex: if you were not the man you are I would kill you where you stand!
Lionel: get off my ship!
Lex looks down and sees he’s stepping on Lionel’s enterprise shaped shoes
Lex: sorry
Clark looks out the window and sees the plaid symbol in the sky
Clark: I’ve got to go
He runs off
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lionel: *sniff* do I detect a faint whiff of innuendo?
Lex: of coarse not dad that’s just the toxic gas I had pumped into this room, you’ll be dead within 45 seconds
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Its karaoke night at the talon Jonathan walks onto the stage he plans to tell everyone how he feels about Lionel and Lex
The music starts with a synthesizer solo then the drums come in, then Jonathan starts to sing
Jonathan: Well be fighting in the streets
with our children at our feet
and the morals that they worship will be gone
and the men who spurred us
on sit in judgment of all wrong
they decide and the shotgun sings the song
Ill tip my hat to the new constitution
take a bow for the new revolution
smile and grin at the change all around
pick up my guitar and play
just like yesterday
then Ill get on my knees and pray
we don’t get fooled again
the change, it had to come
we knew it all along
we were liberated from the fold, that’s all
and the world looks just The same
and history ain’t changed
‘cause the banners, they are flown
in the last war
Ill tip my hat to the new constitution
take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
pick up my guitar and play just like yesterday
Then Ill get on my knees and pray
We don’t get fooled again no, no!
(Instrumental solo)
Ill move myself and my family aside
if we happen to be left half alive
Ill get all my papers and smile at the sky
though I know that the hypnotized never lie
(Instrumental solo)
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There’s nothing in the streets
looks any different to me
and the slogans are Replaced, by-the-bye
and the parting on the left
are now parting on the right
And the beards have all grown longer overnight
Ill tip my hat to the new constitution
take a bow for the new revolution
smile and grin at the change all around
pick up my guitar and play
just like yesterday then
Ill get on my knees and pray
we don’t get fooled again
don’t get fooled again
no, no!
(Instrumental solo)
(Points at Lex) meet the new boss,
Same as the old boss
Everyone except Lex, who frowns, claps
Lionel walks up next
Lionel: this ones for you Martha
Layin' on my back
In the newly mown grass
Rain is coming down
But I know the clouds will pass
You bring me tea
Say "the babe's a-sleepin'"
Lay down beside me
Love ain't for keeping
Black ash from the foundry
Hangs like a hood
But the air is perfumed
By the burning firewood
The seeds are bursting
The spring is seeping
Lay down beside me
Love ain't for keeping
Lay down beside me
Love ain't for keeping
Lay down beside me
Love ain't for keeping
Lay down my darling
Love ain't for keeping
Marta walks up and slaps him
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chloe: what’s wrong Clark?
Clark: I have this huge project on the assassination of president Kennedy
Chloe: just give me 1 hour on the computer and ill get you information on what really happened, why it happened and how often the person who shot him brushed his teeth
Clark: ....
Clark: So your computer can tell you all that?
Chloe: Oh yes, it can. It can even tell the future.
Clark: Really? It can? What does it say about me?
Chloe (typing): Hmm, well, now this is interesting. It says that you and I are destined to be together as soul mates.
Clark: Wow. Well, I guess I have to do it. That computer has never steered me wrong before.
Chloe (muttering under breath): God I love that gullible BDA.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clark is tossing in his sleep, he wakes up and screams
Martha comes running in
Martha: what is it Clark
Clark: I had this awful dream that I married this blond girl named Alicia but then she died
Martha: it was only a dream Clark, it was only a dream
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lex: Clark, sit down. I've got some news that is going to blow your mind.
Clark: Is this about me being "special"?
Lex: If that's what your parents tell...Look, that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm trying to tell you is......Smallville....is NOT in Kansas....neither is Metropolis, Clark.
Clark: That can't be!! It's impossible....isn't it?
Lex: Clark, look out the loft. What'd you see?
Clark: The tractor.
Lex: What? No, look higher.
Clark: The clouds?
Lex: Lower.
Clark: The sunset?
Lex: Ahh for crying out loud!! *points at the horizon* That, my friend, is a MOUNTAIN!!......There is no mountain range in Kansas!!
Clark: *stunned; slinks back to his seat* Whoah.
Lex: There's more, Clark. Remember that time Morgan Edge's goons threw you in the back of a truck and drove you down to the docks in Metropolis?
Clark: Uhh....I don't know what you're talking about,....but, go on.
Lex: They drove you down to "the docks in Metropolis"?
Clark: Yeah.
Lex: The DOCKS Metropolis, KANSAS?
Clark: Yes.
Lex: KANSAS IS LANDLOCKED!!!! THE NEAREST USABLE SEA PORT IS GALVESTON,TX!!
Clark: Oh....my....God. We're not in Kansas anymore...are we, Lex?
Lex: Clark......we never were.
Clark: *on the verge of tears* This is worse than the time we found out that there's no chocolate in "white chocolate".
Lex: *eyes welling up with tears* That was indeed a dark day. But it gets worse.
Clark: No. I can't take anymore.
Lex: Clark, you have to know the truth. I think we're in.......Canada.
Clark: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Its nighttime, Lana is cleaning up in the talon when Clark walks in, he has a smile on his face that unnerves Lana
Clark: hello Lana
Lana: *nervously* H-hello Clark what are you doing here?
Clark: I want to sing you a song Lana
Lana: well karaoke ni-
Clark: alone
Lana: O-o-ok Clark
Clark gets the microphone and turns the music on
The music starts out slow, but quickly speeds up
Clark: I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I had
To find you I'd suffer anything and be glad
I'd pay any price just to get you
I'd work all my life and I will
To win you I'd stand naked, stoned and stabbed
I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had
Lana starts to get worried
Clark: I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch you I'm gonna run and never stop
I'd pay any price just to win you
Surrender my good life for bad
To find you I'm gonna drown an unsung man
Lana starts to sweat
Clark: I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had
(The music slows down and almost stops)
Clark: I sit looking 'round
I look at my face in the mirror
I know I'm worth nothing without you
And like one and one don't make two
One and one make one
And I'm looking for that free ride to me
I'm looking for you
(The music speeds up again)
Clark: I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch you I'm gonna run and never stop
I'd pay any price just to win you
Surrender my good life for bad
To find you I'm gonna drown an unsung man
I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had
Lana: *gulp* T-that was v-very nice Ca-Clark
Clark: and I mean every word
Lana goes pale
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chloe: oh, my, god. Lana, look at her butt.
It is so big. *scoff* She looks like,
one of those rap guys' girlfriends. Butt *scoff*
Lana: But, y'know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff*
They only talk to her, because, she looks like a total prostitute, ok?
*music starts*
Chloe: I mean, her butt, is just so big. *scoff*
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean *scoff* - gross. Look!
Lana: She's just so ... black!
Clark: I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung!
Jonathan looks at Martha with a concerned look on his face
Clark: wanna pull up tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes
Chloe: me-me-me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz? *whip crack*
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupy
(to Lois) I've seen them dancin'
The hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
(to Pete) Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!)
Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!
LA face with Oakland booty
Baby got back!
LA face with Oakland booty
LA face with Oakland booty
Clark: I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig *whip crack*
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal *whip crack*
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
*Martha begins to stand up she’s very upset*
(to Abigail Fine) I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys *whip crack*
(to Chloe)I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
*Clark hands her a Big Mac*
Clarks-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
(to Alicia) So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Watchin' these bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas, I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya *whip crack*
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna ****
Til the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
(to lex)A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
Lex: WTF?!?!
Clark: 'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies! (Yeah!)
Ladies! (Yeah)
If you wanna role in my Mercedes {Yeah!
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!
Baby got back!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females,
Cosmo ain't got nothin' to do with my selection.
36-24-36?
Ha ha,
only if she's 5'3".
Clark: (to Pete) So your girlfriend rolls a Honda,
playin' workout tapes by Fonda *whip crack*
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda *whip crack* don't want none Unless you've got buns, hun *whip crack*
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don't lose that butt
(to some random guy) Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
(to Jodi) So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that! *whip crack*
'Cause your waste is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
(to Lana)To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing! *whip crack*
(Lana runs away crying)
Clark: (to Lois) Give me a sista, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her *whip crack*
(Lois slaps him)
Clark: Some knucklehead tried to diss
'Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So ladies, if the butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
Dial 1-900-CLARKSALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back!
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.1.10 Copyright © 2012 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.